Disclaimer: THIS IS NOT REAL! If you are unaware of what the SB Nation Mock GM Winter Meetings are, read this.
The Fake Tigers made another move to improve their roster today, signing left-handed reliever Fake Sean Burnett to a two year, $9 million contract. Fake Burnett spent the last three-plus seasons with the Washington Nationals, amassing a 8-15 record and 2.81 ERA out of the bullpen.
Fake GM Rob Rogacki had this to say:
"We're pleased to add Fake Sean to our roster. We wanted to pick up another left-hander for our bullpen and we believed that Fake Sean is the best one on the market. With our closer job up in the air and Fake Phil Coke possibly taking on a bigger role in the later innings next season, we wanted to bring in a guy like Fake Sean to give us some solid innings against some tough lefties in our division."
The Fake Tigers continued to put together their 2013 roster this afternoon, signing Fake Jeremy Guthrie to a three year contract. According to Fake Jon Heyman, the deal is worth $24 million and includes a fourth year team option worth $10 million.
Fake GM Rob Rogacki said this to reporters:
"We like what Fake Guthrie brings to the table, especially at what we believe to be a pretty fair price. While we were upset that we were not able to bring back Anibal Sanchez, we think this deal gives us a bit more payroll flexibility going forward. We would like to welcome Fake Jeremy and his fake family to Detroit as we pursue a Fake World Championship.
With the recent changes in the Fake Tigers' outfield, Guthrie should feel right at home in spacious Comerica Park. He struggled last season with the Real Colorado Rockies, but bounced back nicely after being traded to the Real Kansas City Royals.
When asked if the team's rotation was set in stone for 2013, Rogacki responded by saying that "we're always looking for bargains," but that the team is "happy with Drew Smyly as our fifth starter."
"One of our biggest goals of this offseason was to secure our middle infield beyond the 2013 season. While we were definitely looking to offer Fake Peralta a contract extension, the opportunity to acquire Fake J.J. Hardy came up very suddenly. We acted quickly and were able to find a team that was willing to give us fair value in return for Fake Peralta.
We are very sad to see Fake Dirks go, as we considered him to be a key part of our organization's future, but we are enamored with what Fake Gerardo Parra brings to the table. He will be our starting left fielder next season. We wish both Fake Andy and Fake Jhonny, as well as Fake Tyler and Other Fake Andy all the best with their new clubs."
The Fake Tigers missed out on a couple key free agents in Fake Anibal Sanchez and Fake Torii Hunter, both of whom signed lucrative contracts with the Fake Milwaukee Brewers and Fake Seattle Mariners, respectively.
"We were reluctant to part with Rick, as we think he still has a lot of potential for growth within our system, but frankly, we were blown away by the offer given to us by the Fake Rockies. We have been a fan of Fake Michael Cuddyer for a long time and we are excited to see what Fake Jordan Pacheco can bring to the table."
"We had several offers on the table for Fake Porcello, but we think that both Fake Cuddyer and Fake Pacheco bring an element of versatility that other players don't have. Fake Cuddyer can play either corner outfield positions, as well as third base or second base. Fake Pacheco gives us some nice depth at both corner infield positions, and we're not going to rule out any chances of him catching some games for us either."
Fake manager Jim Leyland was unavailable for comment.
Fake Cuddyer, 33, is due $10.5 million in both 2013 and 2014. Fake Pacheco will be arbitration eligible after the 2014 season.