Closing Pitching Mystery Solved

Detroit, Michigan - Baseball fans across metro Detroit breathed a collective sigh of relief as Todd Barton Jones was arrested early Monday morning for kidnapping and identity theft. FBI officials revealed a complex plot by Jones to kidnap Detroit Tigers closer Jose Valverde and impersonate him for the first five weeks of the 2012 season.

Apparently, Jones kidnapped Mr. Valverde shortly before the Tigers home opener, created an elaborate costume, and began handling the closing pitching for the Detroit Tigers. FBI officials were initially alerted to the crime when they noticed Valverde's new style of pitching. FBI spokesman Brent Clevlen stated, “We noticed that he sucked. We figured Todd Jones must be involved in some fashion.”

After an in depth investigation, Jones was arrested while checking on Valverde in the make shift cell Jones created in his Pell City, Alabama home. FBI officials entered Jones' home to find him receiving refreshers from Valverde on proper dancing, water spitting, and dirt touching. FBI officials noticed that Jones did not bother asking Valverde questions about pitching techniques.

Other than being bloated from the steady diet of pork rinds and Miller High Life that Jones kept on hand at his home, Valverde was in fine condition. Valverde stated that he hopes to start pitching immediately. Valverde stated, “I guess I'll get people out and not suck like that Jones guy.”

When questioned about the incident, Jones stated that he felt that the kidnapping and impersonation plot was his only way to return to the game. “Although I will always have fond memories of blowing save after save, there is no substitute for seeing the look of desperation on the starting pitcher's face in the dugout as I ruin all of his hard work. I just needed to see that in person a few more times,” Jones stated.

When asked if he had any regrets, Jones stated, “Well, I am kind of upset I got that Beckham guy out on Sunday. I was throwing him plenty of balls, I don't know why he kept swinging. I really wanted to walk the bases loaded.”

Tigers manager Jim Leyland was asked if he had any suspicions that Valverde was actually a costumed Todd Jones. Leyland mumbled, “I did think it was kind of odd that he kept giving me advice on mustache maintenance.” Leyland added, “Ryan Raburn is a damn fine ball player.”