Judge: All rise! Do we have opening statements?
Plaintiff: Yes. the defendant, Mr. Brookens, told the media when he was hired for his current position that he "waved everyone home." And throughout the 2013 baseball season, he has done exactly that, waving home runners without qualifying the runner or ability of the fielder. This latest debacle, in which Miguel Cabrera was thrown out by a country mile, is just the latest example.
Defendant: Your honor, third base coaches everywhere tell me it is normal to start waving before the runner gets to the third base bag. Just look at my twitter feed!
Plaintiff: We'd like to call Wizard of Woodward, Vice President of Common Sense, World, to the stand.
Plaintiff: What is your expert take, as a sage of common sense, of the situation?
Wiz: Well, I see it like this: You have an already slow runner. You have at least an average outfielder in Gomes. You have a runner who is injured in a such a way that not only effects his running, but also his ability to stop. Finally, you have a runner who is the team's best hitter that is slowly recovering from various ailments, and cannot afford to aggravate said ailments. To me, the common sense is clear: you put that stop sign up early, either immediately or very shortly after runner crosses second base.
Judge: Cross examination?
Defendant: Yes. Mr Wiz, first, you are a very good looking guy and your wife is very lucky.
Random voice in gallery: OBJECTION!
Judge: Most definitely overruled! He IS handsome. Go on.
Defendant: Anyway, is it not standard practice for a third base coach to continue to "windmill" until he is completely sure the ball is cleanly fielded? I have a signed and sworn affidavit from eleventy billion third base coaches.
Wiz: Yes, I've seen that. But look, I'm the Vice President of Common Sense for a reason. It is your JOB to understand YOUR TEAM, and how YOUR PARTICULAR TEAM doesn't necessarily fit every "standard" situation. My assertion, which as Vice President of Common Sense, World, is beyond refute, is that when you factor in all the facts I already mentioned, the logical conclusion that any thinking person would arrive at is that the stop sign should have been immediate. I'll say further, if it please the court, that not only was this a bad decision, but it was a rally killer, against a team in which had been pitching and defending well. And, uh, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
Judge: Order in the court! Mostly due to the witnesses perfect logic, I declare Tom Brookens guilty of running us out of an inning. He is hereby sentenced to perform the Lions Fight Song dressed as Paws while wearing thermal underwear in the Southfield mall for 30 days without parole. This court is ADJOURNED.