PhilCokesBrain: Hello and welcome to Pardon the Indigestion. I'm PhilCokesBrain ...
Hook: And I'm ... somehow involved in this discussion.
Let's get right to the first question from the producer over the loud speaker!
Injuries caught up with Miguel Cabrera, hitting just .278/.395/.333 with one home run and seven RBI in September. If he continues to struggle, can the Tigers overcome a lack of offense from Cabrera?
Are you kidding me? Of course they can. Cabrera's only like the third best player in the league tops. The Tigers have a multitude of powerhouses all around him. Ever heard of a guy named Andy Dirks? He's the stud covered in the panties of Dominican women because he's so clutch. This team is filthy with all-stars. They'll hit more than a blackjack player with Tourette's syndrome.
Hook: If I hear one more time that Andy Dirks is "clutch," I'm going to develop my own case of Tourette's. Without Cabrera, whose core muscles are more strained than Prince Fielder's family relationships, the Tigers are dead ducks in a barrel. Oh, they'll put guys on base, but then it'll be up to someone like Matt Tuiasosopo to actually knock in the runs, and the only way Tui is going to "run into one" is if Leyland sends him out blind-folded to play chicken with the traffic on I-75.
PCB: Wow you are stupid. You're more blunt than Chris Perez's mail. Tui isn't even going to be on the post-season roster. Victor is hot, Jhonny is well rested, Prince ... Prince can definitely get a base hit from time-to-time, Iglesias rolls out of bed hitting infield singles. Piece of cake.
Hook: There WOULD be a piece of cake, if Prince hadn't already gobbled it up. As for Jhonny, well, let's just hope he saved some of that PED magic for October, because here's how the top half of the starting lineup stacks up, in my book (not yet published): Austin Jackson, Head & Shoulders' "Whiff of the Year"; Torii Hunter, most likely to sustain a muscle injury in his sleep; Miguel Cabrera, legally deceased as of August 26; Prince Fielder, league leader in Longest Outs Hit; Victor Martinez, whose tombstone will undoubtedly read, "If only there had been more men on base." (Or possibly, "Ow, my knees.")
Not to change subjects, but let's change subjects.
Is Verlander the Tigers' No. 1 starter going into the postseason?
I say yes, and here's why: nobody can sustain that kind of mediocrity beyond the regular season. He's due to regress to greatness. He's had great success against Oakland this year and in last year's postseason, and that Phiten necklace is bound to start kicking in at some point. You don't get to be the guy wearing the tightest pants in the league by sucking, so I say he's a sure-fire rebound story, and he's the number one starter in the Tigers' postseason.
PCB: Are you sniffing glue? Have you not noticed the 20-game winning Cy Young favorite on our team? When's the last time a guy won a Cy Young but didn't get the post-season game one start? And Sanchez is probably just as good. He led the league in ERA and doesn't have drama with swimsuit models. Justin Brooks Verlander is the third best starter on the team and has more in common with Brooks from Shawshank Redemption than the long lost MVP.
Hook: Sorry, I didn't catch any of that. Have you seen this latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue with Kate Upton?
PCB: Of course not, boobs are yucky.
Don Kelly has had success in the post season the past two years, hitting a respectable (for him) .286/.273/.478. He hit a home run in the ALDS clincher in 2011, had the game winning RBI in a walk off victory in game 2 of the 2012 ALDS. Will Donnie Baseball win a game for the Tigers in the 2013 playoffs?
Hook, I've never been more certain of anything in my life. Why? Our friend Rogo just made a very compelling case about how bad Donnie is. Indeed, the facts show that Don plays too much and hits too little. Fortunately for us, the universe has a way of pissing Rogo off and therefore Don gets a clutch hit. You can't show scrappiness or manners with numbers, people! Can you imagine the beaming smiles of pride on the faces of all the women and children in suburban Detroit when he hits his walk-off broken-bat bloop single? This will make him a lock for a 2-year contract this off-season.
Hook: This might be the most inept argument for Don Kelly that I've ever heard. You're seriously going to argue that this mediocre-at-best hitter is going to come through in a big way, just so "the universe" can for some inexplicable reason play a prank on an irritable writer holed up in Ohio? Well, duuuuhhhh, of course the universe is going to do that, but quite clearly, the best way for the universe to get maximum mileage out of this prank is to make Don Kelly even worse than Rogo could have ever dreamed possible. In this postseason, Don Kelly won't be able to get a hit even if he spins a Wheel of Fortune, and every single option on the wheel is labeled "hit." He will somehow bat less than .000 in this series, and just to tie off the Circle of Suck, he's still going to get a 2-year contract in the off-season, because "he plays the game the right way."
PCB: Inept? I'm being completely ept. The existential argument for Don Kelly is really the most sound one. Or maybe when you strip it all down I just don't want to be a dick. I can't bare to see Donnie exposed at the plate.
Hook: That's all well and wood, er, good, but you can shower him with praise all you want, and it doesn't make him any better at scoring, getting to second base, making good use of his lumber, or ... PENIS. THERE I SAID IT. PENIS, PENIS, PENIS. WE ALL SAW DON THOMAS KELLY'S LITTLE DON THOMAS AND THAT'S WHY I WANT HIM OFF THE TEAM FOREVER!
PCB: It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault! Good Will Hunting references are still fresh, right?
Hook: Only if Ace Ventura is still fresh, because after that horrifying locker-room flashback...
*set clothes on fire*
Prince Fielder will be thrown out at the plate because, well, that happens quite a bit. Who will be blamed? Tom Brookens for sending him or will it be Fielder, as he can't slide to save his life?
Tom Brookens will be blamed, 100 percent, every single time, and that's as it should be. Prince has zero responsibility out there on the basepaths, except to see the signs he's getting from Brookens and act on them without delay. I set the over/under on instances of Brookens getting Prince thrown out at the plate at 13. And it will only happen to Prince, because Brookens is easily fooled by Prince's running - it looks like he's moving a lot faster than he really is, because of the extra effort involved.
PCB: It is still perfectly acceptable to ridicule one group of people in this country: Ample-Americans. Ample-Americans have been discriminated against for too long! Who's going to take the blame for a bad outcome? It's always the Ample-American! You know it's true! The world is full of Lynn Hennings, ready to fat-shame anyone whose BMI is higher than his stolen base count.
Hook: *eating pie*
*returns to pie*
PCB: FATTY FATTY FAT FAT!
Well, that's all the time we have on Pardon the Indigestion, I doubt we'll try harder the next time.
Buenas noches, Mexico.
(Special thanks to "Big Al" for providing the questions-for-fodder that made this online fight possible.)