Dave Dombrowski's a busy man. Between running an organization, handling public relations, and making Crazy Mike a sandwich whenever the old man has a whim, Dave has a lot on his plate. It's pretty impressive how often he clocks into work. The man is like Prince Fielder most of the time. However, even Dubba D has other issues to attend to, and unfortunately, there is a sale on striped polos at Nordstrom's coming in the heat of free agent season. I'm sure everyone understands.
Dombrowski isn't letting that time go to waste, either. He's asked a capable young man to step in as Interim President of Baseball Operations while he peruses the clothing racks.
That's right, ladies and gentleman. You can refer to me as GMJOS.
What exactly does Dombrowski want me to do while he is MIA? Not much, really. The IPBO (pronounced ippo) is supposed to negotiate with agents, especially those of Infante, Benoit, and J.P Howell. The job doesn't really call for any trade negotiations or contract signings. However, in my one-day contract (paying me a whole $40 plus picking up the Jimmy John's tab), there is a clause that allows me to "use my discretion." I could get Patrick in here to tell you what that means for me, legally, but know it boils down to this: The Detroit Tigers are about to be turned upside down.
What do I plan to do with my limited time in office? Below is a list of priorities I have compiled.
- Call Jhonny Peralta and beg him to come back- Tell him that it's not about the money. It never has been about the money. It's all about the mutual love shared between the Tigers' organization and Jhonny Peralta. Seriously, we can make this work. That little affair with Jose meant nothing to me, I swear!
- Get Omar Infante's agent on the phone- Remind him that the Dodgers are inevitably going to sign Robinson Cano anyway. Point out that other large-market teams: Anaheim, Texas, Boston, have little use for a second baseman. Throw down a final offer of 3 years, $24 million. Oh, and also, tell him to stop referring to his client as a one-time All-Star. Brandon Inge was a one-time All-Star, also. Doesn't mean I want HIM patrolling second base for Detroit.
- Sign Brandon Inge to a Minor League contract
- Remember that Kelly Johnson is the third-best available second baseman on the market- Mull that over briefly. After 15 seconds of hard thought, get Infante's agent on the phone and sign the one-time All-Star to a 3 year, $31 million deal.
- Sign J.P. Howell to a two-year deal, Ryan Madson to an incentive-laden one year contract, and Joaquin Benoit to a pact for two years, $18 million- The new manager won't have a use for Phil Coke, and since Dave kept telling me NOT TO PICK UP THE PHONE IF TEXAS CALLS ABOUT PORCELLO, I think Smyly's gonna be in the rotation next year. Therefore, it'd be rather nice not to have to count on whatever an Evan Reed is in the bullpen ever again.
- Publicly declare my faith in Knebel as the closer for 2014.
- Sign Jose Valverde to a Minor League contract. Just in case.
- Contact Houston to see if Brad Ausmus is available in trade- Because Brad Ausmus tends to be a pretty good bargaining chip, especially when I'm trading with the Astros.
- Call Miami to see if they have anything available in trade- Actually, Dave told me I can do this one. His exact quote was "Let's see if even a kid can swindle those idiots over there!" Then he became rather unintelligible over his shrieks of laughter. If that's the case, I'm fully prepared to deal Endrys Briceno and Jake Thompson for Giancarlo Stanton.
- Begin plans to formally retire the number of Detroit legend Alexis Gomez- Shut up.
- Offer Ramon Santiago a one-year deal- I actually want this to happen. Santi is still a capable glovesman who can work the count and has a far better bat than the still-raw Hernan Perez.
By the time I'm done, I fully expect to have five job offers to GM. With my luck, it'll be for the Marlins, Padres, and Brewers. On top of that, Crazy Mike better comp me free Little Caesar's for life.
Not that I'd ever eat that crap.