I gathered that there was at least some mild interest in a post collecting the old Tiger predictions during the cold darkness of the offseason, so this is that post. I'll probably do a week at a time or something so it is more manageable. I have edited them just a bit, but most of the mistakes are as they were, monuments to my stupidity. This post captures the accidental beginning of these weird predictions and brings us back to a series in which Miguel walked to the plate, received an ovation for his walk off home run, stepped out of the box, nodded, laughed and hit a home run for the second time in as many pitches. The good times.
August 12, 2013
I think they get to Sale early
Doug Fister will look focused — as if he had just taken a line drive off of his head — and pitch 8 solid innings allowing 2 runs or fewer. Fielder will get an opposite field hit for extra bases and Miguel launches at least one HR, causing a single tear to drip down Avisail’s face, as the realization that his hero is no longer his teammate sinks in. He will recover and smile, wiping that tear away, because now he is in Chicago and must accept his bitter fate, having learned that life too can throw curveballs. However, he will also carry a secret burning hate towards Jho for the rest of his days, idly plotting revenge plans that he is too nice to actualize.
Because why not? And when all of this comes to pass, I will be the predictions wizard.
August 13th: I predict that Max Scherzer
Gives up another solo home run and looks angry, but inside he laughs because he knows that he receives an average of over 6 runs per game. "Hah," Scherzer will think, "These fools can only muster solo shots in their dumb little launching pad. They will never know what it means to EAT." He will then proceed to strike out Avisail Garcia twice and Iggy will make another web gem at short, spurring a BYB torrent of love for DD. Scherzer lasts seven innings, the bullpen gets it done and the Tigers win on the strength of yet ANOTHER Cabrera home run (with people on base this time). Why not, right?
August 14th: I sense doom
Tui will have another bad day at the plate and wonder, "Do I really get my power from these locks? Was there ever any power in my mane? Who am I?" Prince Fielder’s issue will still be an issue. Austin Jackson will strike out and nurse his dip in the corner of the dugout, surrounded by friends, but totally alone. Rick Porcello will be hung over after a night on the town and just "really not in the mood for this right now, you know?" Miguel will abandon even running to first base and begins crawling around the base paths after he hits another home run — the people at tater tracker go wild. Phil Coke will be on the mound as the Tigers fall again, though he will not get credit for the loss, prompting us all to wonder how many games he has actually cost this team beyond his atrocious W-L record. He will play Nickelback loudly on the way home, blind with rage tears, but little does he know that listening to terrible music does not create brilliant pitching, it is terrible food that does that (see Taco Bell and JV, 2011). The BYB commenters will squawk about the Royals and search for the least painful method of just ending this all, here and now.
Then the Royals will actually come into town and the Tigers will sink their season as though they were the Cleveland Indians. Order will be restored and everyone will look back on these dark days in Chicago, sheepishly laugh and say, "I was just kidding about all that doom" and "I only looked up how to make nooses because I have a passion for knots."
August 15th: The NERTS/Ice cream man battery
will fire on all cylinders today. Pena will want ice cream and play like it. He will allow a passed ball in the seventh inning and panic, worrying that all of his hard work will be for naught. Sanchez will smile and whisper, "It’s not your fault." Indeed, the ice cream man will have room to be forgiving with a three run lead over the Power House Royals. Omar will catch the ball today. AJ will emerge from the Cel and take to Comerica like a young deer to spring, running effortlessly to snag long fly balls. He will take advantage of the space with a double as well. The Wizard will soothe Leyland’s tricky six hole, getting a single and a four pitch walk. There will be late inning trouble, because Phil Coke and AlAl are mysteriously still major league baseball players.
Despite the bullpen, the Tigers hold on. Later, Pena and Anibal will set together on the roof of Brayan’s Ford Fiesta, eating ice cream and looking at the city skyline. Anibal will pat him on the back and say, "That’ll do NERTS, that’ll do." NERTS lets out a contented sigh, because when you’re eating ice cream and have a record of 38-19 at home, it’s good to be home.
August 16th: Today Brayan
Pena will sit the first game after staying out way too late with the ice cream man last night, just talking about life and what it all means. He will nap in the dugout and almost get drilled by a line drive, waking him up and sending the NERTS into overdrive. Prince Fielder will hit a home run in back to back days, "for the first time since probably forever," the BYB comment board will chirp (hehe). JV will give the bullpen rest, taking advantage of the roomy Comerica outfield. Iggy sends a hit into the outfield in his first at bat, making him the greatest player of all time. Whoever this Duff-man is will fare poorly indeed, getting set up by Miguel early, only to have Miguel laugh and round the bases in his next at bat when it turns out, yeah, he can hit that change up when you throw it there, dummy. The Tigers win handily in the first game.
During the second game, Alvarez shows us further that having a success big league start or two doesn’t mean anything. He will be absolute garbage out there, really looking scared. He will become the first person in the world to actually wish they were in Ohio rather than Michigan. After four innings of that display, things only get worse dear BYB readers, because Phil Coke and AlAl steal the show, throwing multiple innings each and looking like they are in a duel to see who can be worse at throwing baseballs. AlAl walks people. Phil Coke pitches batting practice. Jim Leyland looks like he wants to kill someone. James Shields will cruise, but later on realize that his win is meaningless and his goatee is dumb. "They probably shouldn’t have traded Will Meyers for me," he mutters, "It isn’t working out for either of us." Will Meyers homers for Tampa today, confirming Shields’ darkest thought.
The Power House Royals will have the split they wanted all along. Yet, things are really only coming up roses for the Tigers. AlAl will be sent down, ending this whole charade (spoiler alert, we will never be lucky enough to get rid of Phil Coke). The Royals will likely only win one other game this series, thereby sealing their fate. "Oh shit," Ned Yost says flying back to Kansas City, "I should’ve played like we had to win ALL of those games. A split is the same as a loss for us. Why did I throw my best pitcher against Alvarez and whatever they called that coming out of the bullpen? Fuck me. Oh well, it’s Royals baseball, no one really cares right?" And sadly, he will be right, breaking young hearts in Royals nation everywhere. But, Royals fans, your team is young, fast and athletic, so at least that’s fun.
August 17: Doug Fister has been listening to Bob Seger all morning
And it will pay off tonight. No longer content with being a beautiful loser, he will help turn the page after yesterday’s debacle. He will pitch quickly, give Iggy opportunities to bolster his highlight reel and mercifully stop the Royals running game. Don Kelly will sit today, even though he should be playing. This insult eventually gets to him, and he tells Gene Lamont that he "feels like a number, but damnit I’m a man. I’m Donnie baseball, heart and hustle." Gene Lamont knows what it’s like to be irrelevant, and says, "Son, can you keep a secret?" "I sure can, Mr. Lamont," the Wizard replies. Lamont reveals a flask full of Wild Turkey and the two take turns sneaking covert swigs of sweet amber release. Around the 8th inning, Lamont admits that "Yeah, I can get a little careless after a few drinks and maybe I shouldn’t have sent some of those guys, but I think Brookens just has the job because he’s so handsome and fit. Jim knows I have body issues and it’s just really hard to see Brookens out there every day, running up and down the third base line. It’s like they’re taunting me. I’m a man too, you know?" The Wizard will be in over his head. He will cough, say he has to use the restroom and bail. To his credit, he will feel bad and tell Gene after the game that he "looks really good in that jacket."
After the game, everyone is all smiles and Jim Leyland says, "The boys really played good out there today" and "That’s what you like to see out of your team." Lamont will be seen in the background, looking sad. He will go home and listen to "Night Moves," pouring a generous scotch, neat. He will drift back to his younger days and remember when he was strong and virile. He will feel autumn closing in and feel naked before time and his own mortality. As he drifts to sleep, he remembers the Wizard and his company. "That Donnie Baseball," he says, "Now there’s a good guy." In the end, it is the good people that redeem this world and Gene thanks the baseball gods for bringing Don Kelly to Detroit.
August 18th: The Tigers will not care
about the outcome today whatsoever. TWTW will not be something anyone even pretends to have. Even Don Kelly will say at one point "Yeah, I just don’t care today" and Lamont will pat his back, hungover, agreeing. Scherzer will lazily pitch a great game and strike out double digits. When asked after the game about his approach, he will say "Yeah, uh, I dunno, just tried to throw strikes, trying to get this over with honestly." And can anyone blame him? This five game series with the Power House Royals has been a roller coaster.
When Miguel comes out of the dugout to start the first inning, Royals players will audibly sigh. "Why would we pitch to him?" they wonder. "He can barely trot, we could’ve just intentionally walked him." Ned Yost gasps, "Holy shit, that is an excellent point. I didn’t even think of that. What would’ve happened if I had recognized that Miguel + 9th inning = home run?" Engaging with this type of "what if" and "if only we had" kind of logic speaks volumes about the season the Power House Royals are having. The Tigers will have such a large lead that Rondon will pitch the ninth, Leyland seeing if he likes how that feels. BYB readers will swoon about the "closer of the future," and they should, because it seems like he physically doesn’t know how to throw a fastball under 100 mph. After the game Justin Verlander will experience so much relief at seeing Billy Butler leave town that he buys drinks for every person he sees in the bar. He starts an "Eat em up" Tigers chant and is publicly intoxicated by 6 p.m. But when you’re finding your groove on the mound, everybody loves you and you’re the richest pitcher in baseball, sometimes you just have to live it up. Tigers take three of five and someone posts an article on the Royals’ SB Nation page about how good the team will be next year.
August 19th: On Today's off day
helado will be had. Ramon Santiago will go for a 4 mile run and see Pena, Miguel, Anibal, and for some reason, Rick Porcello, all eating ice cream and laughing. His heart will break a bit, as he wonders why he can’t come on ice cream trips too. "What’s the point of even running 4 miles if you can’t enjoy some ice cream calories?" he asks himself. And "why even be on a team of brothers when no one wants you around?" He will jog home sadly, but check his phone and see a mass text from Pena reading, "NERTS CREW UNITE. HELADO. AHORA. VAMANOS." The Razor smiles, "they do love me," he thinks, "and that’s even better than ice cream." That evening the Razor buys drinks for his friends at the bar and sensing it’s important to him, his teammates let him run the juke box. He dances and dances.
Alex Avila will spend another enjoyable off day, recovering and playing with his young child. The off time will do him good and he will go on a tear upon returning, turning haters into fans and fans into, well, fans again. Don Kelly will volunteer at a soup kitchen, even though he really doesn’t want to, because he feels pressure to live up to the Heart and Hustle award and well, he’s aware of #DonnieDeeds and doesn’t want to disappoint. He will fritter away his off day doing nice things for people, but really he just wants to nap and watch Breaking Bad. Phil Coke will drink all day, blaring Nickelback and throwing darts at his board in the garage. His loved ones will be very concerned about him.
Most importantly, Miguel will rest and so will the bullpen (besides Phil Coke) and when the Twins come to town there will be good baseball. A young Rick Porcello will try to show another young phenom why he once carried that title. But we will get into that tomorrow. Happy off day, Tigers.