Alternatives for the new Fox Sports Detroit Girl

USA TODAY Sports

Pretty aspiring actresses are a dime a dozen. Can't we come up with something better?

The search is on. Fox Sports Detroit NEEDS to find a third Girl to represent the network and...uh...look pretty on TV be a community ambassador. Evidently the job is simply two much for two people.

I'm going to try leave my disdain for the whole premise of the Fox Sports Girl out of this piece, since I'm sure to be overwhelmed by the "HUH HUH, BOOBS!" crowd. But let's just say I'm sick of appealing to the lowest common denominator to promote sports watching among men. Do we really need this?

How about ACTUALLY spicing up the job? A pretty 24-year-old aspiring model and actress will be major yawner. How about someone who can actually bring some substance to the job? Here are my suggestions:

1. Floppy Hat Lady

Floppy_hat_lady_medium

Photo courtesy of @Tiff_Knaak on twitter.

During last night's game Floppy Hat Lady (FHL) singlehandedly delivered a run for the Tigers by coaxing a home run out of Matt Tuiasosopo by the shear force of her passion. What more do you want? That is power, folks. I'm sure she can memorize the two sentences needed for the promo and even look into the right camera (it's not as easy as it looks, just ask Craig Monroe). Also the children at promotional appearances will get comfortable grandmotherly side hugs instead of creepy "heavily makeup-ed 20-something out at a club" side hugs.

2. Allison Hagen

Someone needs to whip people into shape get rid of all this trite nonsense. Who better than our own NoRunSupport? Keep her whiskey glass full and she could pose for photos for hours! (I'm sure)

3. Marian Ilitch

What? Don't look at me like that.

She doesn't need to have a real job anymore, she loves the Tigers, and would add a nice Forture 500 class to the operation. I'm sure she can smile and wink suggestively at the camera.

4. Jeremy Bonderman

Who says we need a woman? Maybe we need Fox Sports Detroit MAN! Here is a guy who certainly needs a job, is familiar with Detroit, and would raise the IQ of the trio.

Whoever it is needs to be able to let go of their morals. Think I'm kidding? Here is a quote from the actual contest rules:

Each entrant hereby irrevocably waives any and all so-called moral rights they may have therein.

Okay, so that is probably just legalese, but waving moral rights sounds about right to me.

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