I don't know about you, but I had a whirlwind holiday season, and with the crazy combination of extended vacation time, school Christmas concerts, holiday parties, booze, more booze, trying to host a booze-filled Christmas party AT a school Christmas concert, and then the actual holidays themselves, I may have missed a thing or two in baseball news. Actually, I'm quite certain I missed Christmas as well, but that's beside the point, and those pictures of me that you posted on Facebook don't prove anything.
For example, on my first day of Christmas vacation, Raul Ibanez apparently went to the Angels, and I'm just now finding out about this. Why? Because it was my first day of vacation, and all I did was eat things I shouldn't eat (at least, not in THOSE quantities), drink things I shouldn't drink (unless it's in THOSE quantities), and binge-watch Christmas movies. I almost forgot the Internet existed.
The thought occurred to me today: maybe I'm not the only one who experienced this bizarre disorientation. Maybe you missed a thing or two when you stepped away from the MLB Hot Stove long enough to watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation for the 19th time in two weeks. Maybe a free agent signing or a major trade escaped your notice while you were rooting for Ralphie to get his Red Ryder. Or maybe you were at one of my holiday parties and you just woke up, wondering where you are.
Here, then, is a simple test you can take that can simultaneously a) refresh your memory concerning the major offseason action thusfar, b) inform you of a few things you might have missed, and c) [note to self: come up with something for "c" here].
It's fairly simple. I'll give you a player's name, followed by a multiple-choice format of possible answers as to which team's logo that player will be wearing in 2014. For example:
c) Seriously, he wasn't a free agent, I was just testing to see if you were paying attention
Got it? Ok, let's start with a few simple ones.
d) Wait, are you kidding? Cano changed teams? The world no longer makes any SENSE!
d) Those are the only teams I can think of that make any sense
b) White Sox
d) You spelled "traders" wrong
d) Trick question - no one would sign that self-important butt head except a team full of self-important buuuu... it was the Yankees, wasn't it?
a) Red Sox
d) There's no way "Yankees" should be on this list, don't they have, like, 83 outfielders already?
d) The newly-formed, up-and-coming Tony Bosch League
d) Don't even tell me the Tigers didn't keep him
d) Are you sure he didn't die a few years ago?
d) You can't possibly think someone has signed Delmon Young
b) It had better be the Tigers
c) ARE YOU KIDDING? NO MORE NERTS?! WERE HIS ERECT NIPPLES NOT WORTH IT?!
d) To hell with it. I don't want to watch baseball anymore
So how well did you do on this little quiz?
a) I aced it
b) I knew all of this before I read the article
c) Pass the salt
d) Honestly, I only found this page because I was searching for "erect nipples" on Google