FanPost

So you want to go to a Tigers game

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Well then, let's get started shall we. This is the unabridged beat reporter's guide to the baseball galaxy. Wait, I think that was the Hitchhiker's Guide...Oh well here goes nothing.

Step 1: Pick out your outfit the night before after digging through the torrid tornado of a mess you currently find your room in. Because let's be honest here, all you do is work and write which is essentially another job, however,
less glamorously paid (insert winky face here and hope your editor doesn't see this). You don't have time for the frivolities of a tidy room. We get it. No need to explain yourself.

Step 2: Re-think the entire wardrobe choice the morning of the biggest game of the season (the postseason is a different story) after your mind decides to wake you up at 7:15 a.m., a full hour before you were supposed to get up and the sun is glaring into your room. It's game day and your heart simply needed to let you know. Sleep can wait. It's a big day for you, first official day on the job and all, and you secretly want to impress everyone with your timeliness and, well other stuff you just can't think of because you're half awake.

Step 3: Re-re-think the outfit and go back to your original choice. Seriously? Just pick something and be done with it! Aaanyway. Finally after much primp (no, not pomp. Us women take it a step further) and circumstance, you will finally be on your way. No time for breakfast, there will be food at the game as you learned the day before and no need to worry about parking because you asked everyone where the all important talking-headed writers park and they inform you how it's done. Check.

Step 4: Get downtown, pass go, collect your $200 and proceed directly to the parking lot. Except you get there and they tell you that you were supposed to be given a parking pass. No, not that shiny little thing around your neck that screams MEDIA in bright pretty colors. Ok no problem, all you have to do is park on the street somewhere, hope to God your car doesn't get stolen (because come on, it's Detroit and you know what that means...) and run inside to get the pass.

Step 5: You will wait in a very long line to get to the little white box on the shelf where you will be informed of the lovely young lady behind it that you never requested one. Well shoot. Ok so what do you do? I'm so glad you asked. You are informed "my good madam (or sir, if you're a guy) that you can park in the employee lot for a fee." Ok no biggie. You can work around this, you ARE a pro, after all. You are getting hungry, don't forget to eat soon.

Step 6: You are missing the morning's press conference with the man himself, Brad Ausmus and you feel like it's the first day of school all over again and you are the idiot who put his underwear on after his pants. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to out you. Moving along, you realize it has been too long since you have made a proper visitation to the D so you end up back on the highway, somehow. Twice. You can't find the stupid exit to pay for the parking so you say to heck with it all.

Step 7: Park in the least creepy area of Detroit you can find (really, I'm joking. There isn't one. There are varying degrees.), one that is NOT marked as private property because you double checked before even stepping foot onto the lovely dirt field. FINALLY, you have arrived. Now all you have to do is walk...two miles. Hey but guess what? You needed that exercise because you haven't had time to get to the gym in months. Yes, I said months. I knew you were lying about those late workouts.

Step 8: Get to the stadium, find as perfect of a seat in the press box as you can find in the second row, because all those darned cool kids took the front row. One day you will be there just like them, don't worry! Attend batting practice and spend the time 'taking it all in and doing research' when really, it's your first official day on the job and you feel like you have hit the jackpot. You love your job. You ate a bagel and something that might not qualify as meat. You may never be sure.

Step 9: Fast forward through the day. You realize you have been sitting next to Jon Morosi the whole time. Carry on conversations like you know what the blazes you are talking about. Don't say too much though, you don't want to give it all away. You will realize about 80% of the way through your day that you really do know what you are talking about and you love the game as much as everyone else.

Step 10: You will be at the stadium for a long time. When the game ends, unless you had a gift of writing from heaven above or your editor didn't steal all your thunder with the amazing article you had all planned out...you are going to be there for a little bit. But finally you will finish as the sun has begun to set. And you make your way to the car, triumphant that you just knocked this day out of the park and you are the next best thing since sliced bread.

Step 11: This is important. NO, like REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT. You will make it back to your car safe and sound. There's just one TINY little thing missing. Your car. Now, you aren't going to panic because well, you probably got turned around. Except I hate to break it to you, but you didn't. And suddenly there will be a sign hanging upside down on a nail. TRESPASSERS WILL HAVE THEIR VEHICLES TOWED AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE. Well shoot. Don't panic just yet. After all, it's not like you are a young white woman all alone in the downtown streets of Detroit just as the sun is setting. Oh no, you have this all under control.

Step 12: FREAK THE HECK OUT. This is equally important. But in order to do this correctly you have to do two things first. Have VERY, VERY, VERY wonderfully amazing good friends who will drop everything they are doing (even 45 minutes away) to rush to your aid. Next, you will call the cops because you fear that maybe your car really was stolen.

Step 13: With the help of your wonderful friends, track down the son of a biscuit (This is my version of swearing. Look to Hookslide or Tigerdog for the full version) who towed your car and get your best friend's fiance to bargain with the guy in the dead of dark to bring down the price of the tow from an obscene $450 to a completely and humanely understandably priced $300 because your friend let the towing guy know the cops are on their way. It will help, trust me. Don't you look like the big hero. I knew you could do it.

Step 14: It's now 10:30 p.m., you're exhausted and just glad to have your car back. Yep you sure had to cough up $300 to get your crappy little car out of the possession of some greedy slimy man but hey, it was about the price of a good seat and boy was that seat good today. Plus you got inside access and field level viewing! It doesn't get any better than that! Plus you are now one with your beloved Detroit Tigers team because like them, you learned a valuable lesson on Opening Day.

Step 15: You will NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE WONDROUS BEAUTY OF PAYING FOR PARKING!!!!!!!!!!! And you will never ever park in a random field in Detroit again. That $20 parking isn't looking so bad now, is it...

In summation, you will get back to your place which is still a mess, turn on the game to re-watch it and see if you missed anything (you probably did, in the excitement do you even remember the entire day?). It's nearly 11:00 p.m. and you realize you have written this entire piece in the third person and wonder if you are mentally sound. Wash, rinse and repeat.

Oh and you ended up eating McDonalds because you are so tired because you just don't give a crap about what you are eating right now.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of the <em>Bless You Boys</em> writing staff.

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