I, like so many other Americans, have a job. Jobs are bullcrap. I could go on and on about The Man, and capitalism, and what a bunch of hogwash it is that people have to work to make money to buy things, but hey, this is ‘murrica, and that’s just the way it is.
But moreso than all that stuff about the workforce and society, jobs are bullcrap because from the months of April to October, they often keep people from enjoying one of the greatest gifts the Great Sun God ever bestowed upon the Earth: day baseball.
So. You have a job, and you want to watch baseball. Looks like you’ve got yourself in a bit of a pickle, Dick. Let me see if I can help.
- Need to meet a client for lunch? Choose your local sports bar and grill. Make sure it has big-ass TVs. Ask lots of questions. Watch the game there.
- Gotta make a run to "grab supplies" or "get money from the bank" or "go get your eyebrows waxed"? Make sure you do that around 1:00. When (if) you come back three hours later, just let everyone know about the ten boats/trains/school busses/wild turkeys crossing the street you had to stop for, and about how the place was all out of the thing.
- If you have a desk job, bring your laptop from home. Watch baseball on MLB.tv while you "do work" on your other computer.
- No laptop? Screw it. Guess we know what your work computer is for today. Minimize your Free Cell game that you’re losing at for the fiftieth time and watch it there. Keep an eye out for the boss man, because even though that guy is on his phone every second of the day (how many candies can one man crush?!) he gets a bit peeved when you do your patriotic duty and enjoy America’s pastime while you’re on the clock.
- Feel bad about literally doing no work and just sitting at your desk watching baseball? Ugh. You’re the worst.
- Okay, but if you REALLY do feel bad about watching baseball instead of working, just put some headphones in. No, not those ones with the metal headpiece that gets caught in your hair and the foam-covered ear piece, you idiot. Earbuds. Be civilized. Listen to the game on the radio, or use the audio feature on MLB.tv to listen to the game in the background while you work/lose more Free Cell games.
- Don’t have a desk job? Don’t even try to tell me you’re somewhere where there is no access to radio. I don’t care if you have to go up in your attic before you leave for work and scrounge around for that AM/FM handheld monstrosity you packed away when you moved in the mid ’90s. You find a way to listen to that game, dammit.
- You don’t have a desk job, you don’t have a laptop, and you don’t have a radio. What even are you? You must have a phone, right? Get that MLB At-Bat app fired up and watch the cartoon batter guy stand there while red lines and blue lines soar toward him. It’s just like the real thing (it isn’t).
- You don’t have a phone? Are you kidding me? If you don’t have a computer, or a phone, or access to a radio, I imagine you’re in pretty dire straits. The homeless shelter probably has a TV. Go there.
- Don’t go to work. Just watch baseball, eat hot dogs, and drink beer. Your spouse (the one who actually contributed to the well-being of your family today) will probably be super excited to arrive home to you, a drunken mess on the couch, with a dollop of mustard on your sweatpants and hot dog bun crumbs sprinkled into your five o’clock shadow, which, why is it so thick, are you Alex Avila?
Glad we worked this out. Go Tigers!
This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of the <em>Bless You Boys</em> writing staff.