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Scanning the latest MLB headlines

Don't have time to read the latest MLB news? Just read the headlines and make up the rest!

David Manning-USA TODAY Sports

I'm a busy guy, and I assume you are too. Unless you're not a guy at all, in which case, this could get awkward fast -- am I in the right restroom? Anyway, as a fast-moving member of society with things to do and people to see, I don't have time to read all of the daily MLB stories in the paper. I barely have time to read all of the headlines. Still, I want to stay up-to-date on the latest "happenings," so I do a quick scan of the top headlines, and infer the rest. You don't really need to read the stories, honestly, the pertinent details are usually in the bold, 15-point font.

As a service to you, then, here are today's top headlines and what are, I'm sure, the down-and-dirty details that you'd find if you read any further.

MLB to ban home plate collisions

To preserve balance and appease the fans who enjoy violence, however, collisions will be both allowed and encouraged at the other three bases, and all outfield fences will now be topped with barbed wire. This game ain't for wussies.

Ten predictions for rest of offseason

Predictions 1-10: sports writers will continue writing salacious and cryptic headlines for the purpose of accumulating page views.

Vin Scully got his start calling stickball games as a boy

Hawk Harrelson, on the other hand, got his start yelling at a bank of TV's while sitting at the bar, drinking himself into oblivion.

Dodgers To Sign J.P. Howell

The contract presumably comes with a hefty Pretentiousness Tax, because, seriously, "J.P."? Does he compose orchestra music and design expensive clothing in the offseason?

7 Best Major League Baseball Managers

If it's not Sparky, Mayo, Leyland, Sparky, Jennings, Sparky, and Sparky, who gives a crap?

MLB, NPB officially announce new posting system

Spoiler alert: it's Craigslist. I think.

Cubs agree to terms with Wright

This should make the Cubs a serious contender in October. Of 2036. In a women's softball league.

Yanks reportedly near deal with 2B Roberts

They're still bickering over whether they can just call him "Robertson" and try to fool the fans.

Tigers expecting big things from Rondon

This headline is heavy with innuendo, but the weight of responsibility prohibits me from binging on the buffet of jokes that would surely tip the scales against me.

And now you're up-to-date on the latest buzz around the MLB network. Sigh. How many more days until Spring Training?