The Arbitrary 30: BYB's MLB Power Rankings

Welcome to The Arbitrary 30, Bless You Boys' weekly MLB Power Rankings! Keep in mind The Arbitrary 30 is 25% serious, 75% poking fun at teams and 100% biased.

1. Atlanta Braves: They. Just. Don't. Lose. For those of you too young or too high to remember the 1984 Tigers -- this is what it was like.
2. San Francisco Giants: Marco Scutaro has turned into a pumpkin. In other words, he's back to playing like Marco Scutaro, not the mid-70s era Joe Morgan he was channeling at the end of 2012.
3. Detroit Tigers: A typical Jim Leyland conversation - "My kingdom for an experienced closer ... or a carton of Marlboro Reds. Actually, I'm BSing with you Brooksie. Just get me a carton of smokes! The bullpen will be fine."
4. Texas Rangers: I cannot in good conscience say anything positive about a team which gainfully employs A.J. Pierzynski.
5. Oakland Athletics: Some men look like the Most Interesting Man in the World with a beard. Others look like a homeless Joe Buck. Falling on the Buck side of the equation is Josh Reddick, who needs a beard intervention, stat.
6. St. Louis Cardinals: Some things never change. Death, taxes, the Cardinals at the top of the standings, no matter who in the Hell is on their roster. Pete Kozma? Ty Wigginton? These aren't Bob Gibson's (or even David Eckstein's) Cardinals.
   
7. Washington Nationals: Those of you worried about the Prince Fielder and Justin Verlander contracts, it could be worse. Much. much worse. The Nationals still owe Jayson Werth $83 million over the next four years in his age 35 to 38 seasons.
8. Arizona Diamondbacks: Those of you in the "Fire Leyland" brigade? Just wanted to remind you Kirk Gibson is not going to manage the Tigers.
9. Cincinnati Reds: Starter Closer Aroldis Chapman has a 15.6 K/9 rate. Justin Verlander says, "Try coming close to that as a starter, then we'll talk. One more thing. Starting pitchers date women like Kate Upton. Closers? They don't."
   
10. New York Yankees: From the "early-season small sample size" department: Brennan Boesch has a .938 OPS, Vernon Wells 1.053. Yeah, that's gonna last (rolls eyes).
11. Baltimore Orioles: Chris Davis is off to a crazy hot start, hitting .366/.460/.902 with six home runs and 19 RBI. I was going to make a Chris Shelton reference, but remembered Davis hit 33 home runs and slugged .501 in 2012. Way to ruin a good joke, Davis.
12. Colorado Rockies: If you don't have MLB.TV, Troy Tulowitzki (.325/.396/.625) may be the best player no one ever sees. Most people (and obviously, ESPN) don't even realize the Rockies exist, meaning Tulo is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.
13. Boston Red Sox: Going into this season, journeyman outfielder Daniel Nava had played in 148 games and hit .249. In 2013 the 30-year-old Nava is hitting .360/.485/.760. NOW I can make a proper Chris Shelton reference.
14. Los Angeles Dodgers: To their credit, the Dodgers didn't retaliate against the Padres, seeking their pound of flesh for Zack Greinke. But San Diego needs to remember one thing. As the Mafia or Klingons will tell you, revenge is a dish best served cold. When you least expect it ... BAM ... Fastballs in the ribs for everybody!
15. Kansas City Royals: (Looks to see if Jeff Francoeur is still playing regularly - 11 games, 42 at-bats, .654 OPS) I refuse to take seriously any team which plays Frenchy every damn day.
    
16. Toronto Blue Jays: Have won three of four after leaving Detroit. Sometimes it's all about when you play someone, not how well you play them.
17. New York Mets: At $73 million, the mega-market Mets have a lower payroll than the small-market Royals and Twins, and nearly equal with the small-market Indians. The Mets have learned if you are going to be bad, you're better off doing so on the cheap.
18. Tampa Bay Rays: They were nearly no-hit by Clay Buchholz, breaking it up in the 8th inning. If there is a sure bet in baseball, it's the Rays will be no-hit sometime this season. It's happened five times in their short history, four of those since 2009.
19. Philadelphia Phillies: I was told by the baseball media Roy Halladay's career was over. Now it seems rumors of the death of his career were greatly exaggerated. What? Halladay beat the Marlins? Well, that's different. Never mind, career's over.
    
20. Pittsburgh Pirates: Clint Barmes is alive, still in baseball and playing short for the Pirates. Seems like only yesterday Barmes was the talk of baseball...what? It was April 2005 when Barmes hit .410? Damn, I'm getting old.
21. Chicago White Sox: Hawk Harrelson sucks.
22. Cleveland Indians: Remember when the Tigers were rumored to be interested in Ubaldo Jimenez and traded for Doug Fister instead? Jimenez has a 11.25 ERA in 2013, 5.39 in his Tribe career (which looks to be in a death spiral after Tuesday's brutal outing in Boston). Fister's ERA in 2013 is 2.70, 2.94 for his Tigers career. (Laughs hysterically)
23. Seattle Mariners: Speaking of Fister, the only player on the Mariners roster from the (infamous in Seattle) 2011 trade is reliever Charlie Furbush. Casper Wells was released a few weeks ago, Chance Ruffin had a cup of coffee with the M's in 2011 as a reliever, currently at Double A trying to become a starter. Francisco Martinez switched positions, but remains in the M's minor league system as a light-hitting outfielder, He is no longer considered much of a prospect. Score one for Dave Dombrowski.
24. Houston Astros: Have the same record as the Angels, but only needed to spend $120 million less to do so.
25. Los Angeles Angels: After the MVP drama of last season, I have to admit to more than a little schadenfreude seeing Mike Trout regress to the mean. Will Wonderboy, and for that matter, the Angels, continue to struggle? Nope. So enjoy Angels fans confusion over the slow start while it lasts.
26. Chicago Cubs: If it's Tuesday, Edwin Jackson must be -- checks Baseball-Reference -- in the National League with Chicago. Jackson is playing for his eighth team at age 29, putting Octavio Dotel's record of 13 well within reach.
27. Milwaukee Brewers: Yuniesky Betancourt is getting a significant amount of burn with Milwaukee. They really must not want to make the playoffs.
28. Minnesota Twins: In 2006, Justin Morneau won the AL MVP at the age of 25 (if he deserved it, well, that's another post). His last really good full season was in 2009, at the age of 28. Since turning 30, Morneau is no longer the same player, hitting .255/.318/.404. Now 32 years old, it's possible Morneau could improve, but he's trending in the wrong direction. This is how it used to be in the pre-steroid era. Players didn't improve with age. Some will age faster than others, a few manage to stave off Father Time temporarily, but the majority of players will start declining in their early 30s.
29. Miami Marlins: I'm not one to feel sorry for baseball players. They are paid like kings, and treated just as well, to play a kid's game. But I do feel sorry for Giancarlo Stanton, forced to play for a clown owner in Jeffrey Loria in a city that just doesn't care.
    
30. San Diego Padres: Carlos Quentin is an dolt and the Padres are last on general principle.