I watch a lot of baseball and, therefore, a lot of commercials. A lot of the same commercials over and over. One that always irritates me is this one:
Let's take a closer look, shall we?
You never know where summer will take you
I don't? I call shenanigans on the very first phrase. I actually do know where summer will take me. I make plans and do the things I plan. Sure, people do spontaneous things but that's a function of their personality and not the fact it's summer nor the fact that the person is consuming your fetid citrus piss "beer"
but the sun's always a little brighter with Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy
The intensity of the sun is influenced by the beverage you are drinking? Yay science! Oh, you mean figuratively? Actually drinking this will make the clouds of despair roll into your inner being and a thunderstorm of shame will rain down into your soul. At least the shame rain will taste better than the crap beverage in your hand.
It's crisp, refreshing beer
Notice the adjectives that are missing. No hit of "quality", "interesting", or "delicious." You know what else is refreshing on a hot summer day? Regular ol' ice cold water or lemonade.
brewed with the natural flavor of lemonade
At least it's made with lemonade, that's a nice summer treat. Wait, wait a minute...just kidding, there is actually zero lemonade in the product. It's just "brewed with" the "natural flavor OF lemonade" How do you get the natural flavor of lemonade without actually including any lemonade?! What the hell is in this stuff? Limes painted with yellow highlighters? Citric acid, lemon drops, and antifreeze?
that's inspired by a classic German style
Is the "natural flavor of lemonade" made by following a classic German recipe? Of course not. There is no recipe, it's just "INSPIRED BY" a classic German STYLE. Yeah, and my last piss was "inspired by" your SHAMdy's style.
and perfect for summers out here [couple by picnic table]
here [people frolicking in pool with beach ball]
and especially here [people at a barbecue]
our family's been brewing in Chippewa Falls for six generations
Wow, you must be really proud of the small, artisan brewery your family owns! How quaint.
What's that? The brewery was purchased by SABMiller 25 years ago? SABMiller, the gigantic publicly traded multi-national corporation with hundreds of brands worldwide? Maybe you could spare us some of your cutesy local charm bullshit.
we craft lots of great beers
No, you don't. They are all artificially flavored Miller Lite. Want to taste an actual great beer? Visit Michigan. Go to Founders, go to Bells, go to Brewery Vivant .
but this one says summer
It better say something, because it sure doesn't say "I'm a delight to drink." You know what else says summer? Mosquitoes. And they are a pain in the ass just like your faux-lemon swill.
I'm Jake and we're the Leinenkugels
Must be nice to milk your last name for a few more generations. What do you do all day? Sit around and look at portraits or your grandfathers? Maybe suggest some cost-saving, artificial way to make an abomination of a style of real beer? I bet your kids are eager to get their cushy, worthless job soon and suckle from the teet of SABMiller.
grab a Summer Shandy
I'd rather grab a glass Sweettarts dissolved in pickle brine.
and join us out here.
I'll let @oldhossradbourn finish this with this redundant gem:
When extracting information from Reb prisoners we often used the threat of a frosty mug of Leinenkugel Summer Shandy to extract information.— Old Hoss Radbourn (@OldHossRadbourn) May 16, 2013
Actually...now that I think about it, if your significant other enjoys Summer Shandy and it helps the evening progress, you might want to pick up a couple of cases.