When we watch a Tiger game, there is a great deal of disagreement on what we should be feeling. Some people are thankful to watch the league's best rotation and the best hitter in the game. Some think the team is a maddening disappointment with a suspect bullpen and an inconsistent lineup. I say let's set all that aside for a moment for a topic where we can all find common ground.
Is that topic Miguel Cabrera? Nope. I've heard he's not clutch enough and his defense is too much of a liability. Justin Verlander? Are you kidding? Apparently, his huge contract ruined him and his best years are behind him because of all the innings he's put on his arm during his career.
No, to find common ground we're going to have to look beyond the game. I think we're going to have to turn to commercials. Not just any commercials, either. The commercials we hate. You know what I'm talking about. The Tigers have sold a significant chunk of their time between innings to a few advertisers, and we the fans are the ones who must suffer for it.
Over the past couple weeks, I've been paying attention to the commercials we are subjected to and what follows are my thoughts and observations on those I hate the most. So, good reader, come with me. Like any good citizen of the internet, we will now wallow in that which we hate.
Belle Tire
Shopping for Tires vs. Shopping for Shoes | Belle Tire Commercial (via Belle Tire)
There are a number of Belle Tire commercials with this woman in them. I think the one I've shown is the most annoying, but feel free to disagree. There's something about the way she stands after showing off her shoes that grinded on me the 100th or 200th time I saw this commercial. Overall, though, her constant inflection and exaggerated gestures earn these Belle Tire commercials my full contempt.
Sam Bernstein
Sam Bernstein Law Firm - Michigan Personal Injury Lawyers are Leaders in the Law (via SamBernsteinLawFirm)
We've been absolutely inundated with Sam Bernstein commercials for years now. For God's sake, the Tigers postgame is broadcast from the Sam Bernstein Studios. At first, they made it seem like everybody who called would get Sam or one of his sons. They've since taken some steps to clear up that misconception, but they still have trouble getting past the idea they're just more successful versions of the lawyers who advertise during soap operas and The Price is Right.
So among all the dozens of Sam Bernstein commercials we've seen over the years, why did I pick this one? It cracks me up that Sam and his sons Mark and Richard gush over how talented and dedicated each other is while the daughter Beth doesn't even warrant a mention.
Why is nobody proud of Beth? Why does she get stuck doing the commercial about Social Security complaints? I mean, seriously, how boring must a case fighting for Social Security benefits be? I picture her slaving over tomes of Social Security law books while her dad and brothers saunter off to their suite at the Tiger game with their t-shirts tucked into their khaki shorts. "Good job, Beth! Make us proud!"
Big Boy (follow link)
Overall, this commercial is harmless enough. There are just a couple of problems with it. First, it gets shown multiple times during a typical game. That makes the identifiable music grating after a while. Second and more importantly, I could really do without the woman fellating the Slim Jim sandwich six or seven seconds in.
If you had never noticed that part of the commercial or viewed in that way before, I sincerely apologize.
Cialis (follow link)
Look, I'm sure there are plenty of people who can tolerate Cialis commercials simply because of what the drug allows them to do. Hats off to them. I also know these commercials are going for something sweet. Like, "After all these years, these moments are why I still love her."
After having seen them several thousand times during Tiger games, my mind has had the chance to wander into different territory. For example, I see these guys looking at their wives do some silly thing and can't help but take their looks more like, "Look at her. When she shows this kind of joie de vivre, it makes me feel really bad for taking Cialis so I can enjoy my trips out of town. Oh well, it's time to go sit in our twin bathtubs overlooking the ocean."
Midas Bride (follow link)
This commercial. This friggin' commercial. My despisal of this commercial is literally what gave me the idea to write this piece. I hate it with the heat of a thousand suns. When she sighs when the car won't start and then snarkily repeats that "this is the first day of the rest of our lives", it's soul killing. I've been married happily for a long time, and a big part of that happiness is knowing not to be a dick at times like this.
This commercial makes me hate that bride and also makes me feel bad for the names I want to call her after seeing it. They should at least be equitable and do an alternative commercial where it's the guy who's being a tool because the wife forgot to get a checkup for the car.
Miller Lite
Miller Lite Punch Top Can TV Commercial, 'Let it Flow' (via enjoymentarena)
When I first had the idea to do this piece, Miller Lite was doing those "Ken Jeung is in your crew" commercials. I thought those were conceived by some guy who saw a way to covertly show he hated frat boys, women and America as a whole. But those have given way to this idiotic concept of the double vented flow can.
Let me tell you, I drink beer. A lot of beer. Admittedly, it's almost never out of a can, but I assure you my drinking implement's "flow" has never been a concern. If you're drinking beer and your response is to look at the can all annoyed, "Stupid can. Me not get beer down gullet fast enough", you may have a problem. Why not just skip the can altogether and go right to the bong?
I don't mean to hurt anybody's feelings - really, bro, I'm sorry - but if you're a beer company and you're putting your customers' attention on your can's flow and your bottle's shape, never even mentioning flavor, it may be time to take a step back. After all, it's not as if Miller Lite can't give us great commercials.
Those Bob Uecker, Bubba Smith, "Tastes Great, Less Filling" commercials were some of my favorite when I was a kid. I remember going to Tiger Stadium or Michigan Stadium and having 50,000 or 100,000 fans going back and forth about whether it was "less filling" or "tastes great". Find that glory again, Miller Lite. Distract us from the fact that your beer tastes the same when it comes out as it did when it was going in.
Conclusion
There you have it. Those are my picks for the worst commercials we are subjected to during every damn Tiger game. I'm sure I've missed some of those that make you reach for the mute button. Feel free to add to the list in the comments.