FanPost

Tiger Pitchers Playlist: Walk On, Rock On

One of the goose-bumpiest moments I've ever witnessed in baseball took place during last week's All Star Game, when Mariano Rivera walked onto the field in the 8th inning to the crushing sounds of Metallica's "Enter Sandman." (Oddly, one of the most boner-wilting moments in human history came just minutes later, when Tim McCarver started reciting the song's lyrics like they were poetry.)

A good pitcher needs many things, including a good "out pitch," a relentless "will to win," and a wacky nickname, but he needs none of these things as much as he needs good walk-on music. A couple of months ago, I remember watching a Tigers pre-game show in which various Tigers pitchers were asked about this issue, and, for the purposes of this article, I am going to selectively remember that their song selections were just a few miles west of Lame City. Doug Fister said he let someone else pick his music because he prefers to listen to the slow country music playing in his head (cue the spit-take), and Phil Coke uses Nickelback, for crying out loud.

I particularly enjoyed Mariano Rivera's walk-on music because "Enter Sandman" was a huge hit in the early 90's, and it was during the 90's and early 2000's that I was "coming of age" (in the sense of learning how to make car payments while also buying large amounts of beer). So I started thinking about how I would orchestrate the playlist for the Tigers pitching staff, sticking mainly to the music of the mid-90's through the early "aughts," trying to match each song to some part of the pitcher's personality, appearance, or performance, and this was the unfortunate result.

Justin Verlander

Once a dependable, dominating force on the mound, Verlander has been maddeningly unpredictable in 2013, always teasing us with great outings that remind us of what he can do, yet never quite stabilizing himself on his return to the Verlander we all know and wish would come back for good. That, combined with his boyish, GQ-style good looks made him a perfect match for: The Backstreet Boys, "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)"

Anibal Sanchez

Once a dependable, dominating force on the mound ... wait, did I use that one already? Sanchez was cruising along in the first half, pitching a near no-hitter in this game, striking out a franchise record-high 17 batters in that game, and then he got hurt. Shoulder pain. Or was it back pain? Or both? Either way, until he returns to full health, his walk-on music is: Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Scar Tissue"

Max Scherzer

The bulldog, the All Star, the soon-to-be Cy Young Award winner, Mr. Perfect-Minus-One in the first half - Scherzer is an easy match for: Foo Fighters, "My Hero"

Doug Fister

What can you say about Mister Fister that hasn't already been summed up with the words, "My God, he looks like a tall version of Michael C. Hall"? He's having a pretty good season so far, minus a few struggles here and there and some bad luck with run support, but he's - what? He's hit how many batters already? Ok, it's settled: Britney Spears, "... Baby One More Time"

Rick Porcello

Ah, the Kid. Some great outings, some really horrendous outings, some pretty dismal run support ... but when you're the fifth starter, you know you're getting less than four runs per game in support, and you're still giving up close to five runs per game, there's only one song for you: Lit, "My Own Worst Enemy"

Now on to the bullpen. Fair warning: I didn't assign songs for every member of the relief squad, partly because some of the guys (like Downs, Putkonen, Reed, etc.) haven't had a whole lot of consistent "face time" to establish trends and patterns, and partly because I'm just lazy like that.

Joaquin Benoit

You say you don't want to be the closer? Well, tough, it's either that or be on constant fire extinguisher duty to keep the rest of the pen from completely engulfing Comerica in flames. Benoit has been magic so far, and as a bonus, he now has as many saves in 2013 as our former "Closer" (cough cough), so his walk-on song is: Semisonic, "Closing Time"

Drew Smyly

Calm, collected, the epitome of Jim Leyland's "Cool Customer" description, Smyly has yet to allow a single run in his last 11 innings pitched. Easy choice: EMF, "Unbelievable"

Bruce Rondon

He hurls pure lightning that sometimes clocks in at 102 MPH, and just lately he seems to have gotten his other pitchers under control as well, but all of that pales in comparison to his 6' 3", 275 lb. frame. Play it, Sam: Heavy D, "Big Daddy"

Al Alburquerque

When he's bad, he throws everywhere but towards home plate, but when he's good, he's unhittable. Easily his most wicked pitch, the one that just vanishes from sight and leaves hitters confused as to why they're headed back to the bench is his fierce slider, and for that reason: Goo Goo Dolls, "Slide"

Phil Coke

Absolutely no Nickelback. You can't fail this badly on the mound and walk-on to music that sucks the joy out of the atmosphere itself. On the other hand, given that I've always thought Nickelback should release a greatest hits album and call it "The Sound of Suck," maybe this is a fairly decent pitcher/song match-up. With an ERA rapidly closing in on three bajillion, and an inability to do much more with right-handed batters than point in the general direction of the seats where they're going to crush the next home run, Phil makes us wonder what happened to the guy who was so good for the team when they needed him last year in the post-season? And so, his new walk-on music is: Citizen King, "Better Days (And the Bottom Drops Out)"

Bonus:

Jose Valverde

Please stay in Toledo until the Tigers have finished constructing a custom-made pitcher's mound built specially for your return, which will be located in a dark subway station in Poland (or preferably even further away from Comerica Park). Thanks for the 2011 memories, here's your new walk-on music: Green Day, "(Good Riddance) Time of Your Life"

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of the <em>Bless You Boys</em> writing staff.