FanPost

Saginaw Businessman Considers Peralta's Suspension Options for the Millionth Time

SAGINAW - Sitting down to his usual morning Venti-size-triple-shot-no-whip-mocha-free-skinny-mocha at a Starbucks near his offices, Ronald J. Dopenheimer set a state record by considering Tigers' short-stop Jhonny Peralta's suspension options for the millionth time.

"I really had no intention of doing it again, but when I opened up the morning sports section and saw more uninformative news about the possible upcoming suspensions, I just couldn't help myself," said Dopenheimer. Referring back to hundreds of pages of previously collected notes, Dopenheimer patiently set about the work of reviewing Peralta's options again, re-underlining key points, adding a few new doodles in the page margins, and speculating further about what might happen.

"I'm pretty much at the same place I was several months ago, when the news first broke," he explained, "which is that I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen or what's even going on behind the scenes, but I have a ton of hypothetical situations outlined." His notebook, which now runs to 57 pages tightly crammed with fragmentary thoughts, contains such insights as "No evidence?", "Could serve suspension now and be back in time for WS," "FREE AGENT NEXT YEAR!", and "Note: find out who Bud Selig is."

Dopenheimer very narrowly edged out Battle Creek sports enthusiast Darrell Brickchunk, who has only considered Peralta's options 999,874 times. "I think it's a load of crap that he gets the award," complained Brickchunk, "I was only a few speculations away from beating him, plus I blogged about my opinions a hell of a lot more than he did - I don't even think he owns a computer."

Dopenheimer will be the guest of honor at a ceremonial dinner held at the governor's mansion at the end of the month. "I'm really looking forward to it," he says, "I understand the governor has a lot of questions about the Peralta situation, and I'm eager to share all of my non-authoritative best guesses."

Jhonny Peralta, Bud Selig, and everybody else connected with MLB were unavailable for comment.


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