Hook'd on Humor

HookSlide's alternate recap of game 123: Why am I doing this?

You wanted a "HookSlide" version of a game re-cap? This is what you get.

By HookSlide Aug 18, 2013, 12:19am EDT

After dropping both games of a double-header yesterday, and with the Royals closing the first place gap to 6 1/2 games, the Tigers really need to win tonight. The alternative is to welcome our new Royals overlords, and start getting used to a lot more afternoon tea, scones, and extra "u" letters in our American words. After a quick team trip to Boston in order to dump tea into the harbor, the Tigers send Doug Fister to the mound to, at a minimum, throw a lot of baseballs into the "personal space" of Royals batters.

Here is how the game unfolded, as transcribed in-the-moment as the events took place.

First Inning

Top

Unfortunately, it looks as though the Tigers game has been pre-empted by the popular Disney program "Dog with a Blog." I prepare to retire for the evening before, thankfully, I realize I must be on the wrong channel. Staring at my custom-made Comcast remote, which features approximately 14,872 buttons, I quickly hire an 8-year-old to help me find Fox Sports Detroit before I accidentally place an On-Demand order for "G.I. Joe: Retaliation."

Ah, there's the game.

Between Fister's first and fourth pitches, I've already seen seventeen "Call Sam" commercials. I'm considering going out and getting into an accident just so I can call them.

Speaking of accidents, after giving up lead-off hits to Lough and Hosmer, Fister looks like he might be flirting with one himself. Thankfully, he is not Justin Verlander, and so is able to strike out Butler on three pitches. Gordon and Perez, no doubt intimidated by this display of superior pitching, ground out harmlessly to end the inning.

Bottom

After a whimper of a ground out by Austin Jackson, Kelly steps up and smacks a base hit on 1-1 pitch. This is why Leyland loves Kelly. He can play any position and be just as wildly unpredictable at the plate no matter where he's stationed.

Cabrera then grounds out to third, on another strange play wherein he would have been safe, if not for the fact that he's playing with only 40% of his muscles and joints working.

My wife asks if this is a "must-win" game. I frantically search for "stevenyc's" phone number, realize I never had it to begin with, and am unable to come up with an answer.

Then Prince Fielder comes up and rips the first pitch he sees into left-center for a double, bringing Kelly in to score. The Tigers score! The Tigers score! The offense lives again!

Next to the plate comes Martinez, who is hot as an Eskimo in a full caribou-fur bodysuit at a standing-room-only wedding in hell. Naturally, he singles and plates Fielder, thus entirely justifying that rather wordy joke - the Tigers are off to a wicked start here in the first.

But Andy Dirks is Andy Dirks, and so he lines out to second, leaving the score at 2-0 Detroit.

Second Inning

Top

Moustakas dribbles one in front of the plate, where Pena grabs it and proceeds to throw it into Lake Erie. Moustakas goes to second on the play. I can only assume Pena was offended at the ball's lack of nipples.

After a weak Bonifacio fly-out to Jackson, things get interesting when Getz grounds one back to Fister, who catches Moustakas running to third without a hall pass. Sam Bernstein immediately interrupts with a commercial. In the confusion, Getz moves to second as Moustakas gets tagged out in the run-down.

The inning ends as Escobar grounds out to Iglesias, who first sets himself on fire and does three back-flips before throwing the ball to first for the final out. I don't know why people think he's excessively flashy.

Bottom

Infante leads off with a sharp single to left. Davis tosses a pitch in the dirt to Pena, allowing Infante to advance to second.

Pena works a 3-2 count, then grounds to second, while Infante advances on the play. Leyland, unaware that it was possible to advance the runner without a bunt, faints.

Then Iglesias ... oh my god you've got to be kidding... ok, Iglesias executes a perfect suicide squeeze, both scoring Infante and reaching first base safely himself, and you know what, to hell with this - I quit, because the only reason that play worked is because I made a no-bunting joke 35 seconds ago.

Screw the Baseball Gods.

I'm going to play Monopoly.

(The game ended at some point, BTW. The Tigers won, or lost, or whatever. I'm sure Al has the final score.)