It's over. It's time to move on. Doug Fister is gone.
Steve Lombardozzi is also gone.
Ian Krol is still around, but don't we essentially know what we have in Mr. Krol? A middling lefty who will have episodes of proficiency mixed with episodes of Dave Brandon Answering E-mail level incompetence.
Dombrowski's real hope to save some face with this mess lies with one young man, Mr. Robert Glenn Ray. Robbie has evidently just completed his stint in the Arizona Fall League, which is a bit curious since there is a couple weeks left in the season. I don't want to start any conspiracy theories, but could this be because he's scheduled to be married next week? Surely a trivial matter like committing yourself to a lifetime of faithfulness to one woman wouldn't get in the way of something as precious as fall league baseball!
But is Robbie Ray going to be good? We could look at "statistics" (aka nerd witchcraft) or notice this fall he posted a 2.45 ERA in 11 innings pitches and had 13 strikeouts to six walks, or we could GO DEEPER. Yes, I'm talking about the foolproof prospect evaluation metric Stuff On Your Wedding Gift Registry (SOYWGR).
Macy's and Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Pretty solid choices. Always go with a well recognized national chaining and choose more than one store. Bed, Bath and Beyond is accessible without the stigma of being total pleb and going with Target. Macy's shows class without being a douche who chooses Williams-Sonoma.
Analysis: Showing good judgement here. Can be trusted with the mental side of the game. Will be able to mix pitches well.
Stand mixer color
There is not a gift registry in America that doesn't include a damn KitchenAid stand mixer. These things weigh about as much as a pre-pubescent Prince Fielder and are built similarly. You can mix cement in one of these bad boys (don't do this, this does not make wives happy, trust me). The cool thing about these suckers is that they come in every color imaginable. It's like they lifted the color palette from the Marlins' home run feature. Ray's decision to go with black is conservative but smart one. Sure, it's going to show flour way more than, say, white, but it's a classic look that will go with any kitchen decor changes.
Analysis: This shows the propensity to be safe. Ray maybe choose to walk hitters instead of going right after them. Does he need more Killer Instinct?
Noritake® Colorwave Square 4-Piece Place Setting in Graphite
Another solid decision. I generally prefer the more traditional and timeless round shape, but the neutral graphite color offsets the more dramatic contemporary shape. You can see this is a solid choice as wedding attendees have already purchased all 12 of the requested sets. $40 is a nice scaleable price point.
Analysis: this is a solid locker room guy. He's going to be supportive of teammates and cause no problems. Probably will give boring interviews.
Calphalon® Contemporary Nonstick 11-Piece Cookware Set
At $339.99 this is a big ticket item, but this is the area to splurge. Cookware will last forever and you use fry pans and pots all the time. As of press time, this item was not purchased so here is your chance to step up. If no one does, this is a good spot for our young couple to use up any gift cards and make it happen. Opulence, I has it!
Analysis: Perhaps Ray is biting off more than he can chew at this stage? Does he need a little more seasoning the minors? It may be a couple more months in Toledo before he's ready for prime time.
Springform pans are total bullshit. You are probably wondering what a springform pan is because no one in their right mind owns one of these useless pieces of crap. I should know, I have one.
A springform pan is basically a steel collar that latches tight around a circular base. They are used to make fancy cheesecakes and tarts and shit. To make matters worse Robbie wants four tiny, individual sized springform pans! Not only do you have to whip up some fancy abomination, but you only four desserts for your efforts! You only use these things when entertaining, and now you can only have TWO FRICKIN PEOPLE OVER TO HAVE DESSERT. Just make something in a big ass pan or bowl!
Analysis: Don't look now Dombrowski, but this item raises some real questions. Do you want the centerpiece of a trade to rot away in the back of a AAA rotation like some long forgotten springform pan back in recesses some never accessed cupboard. Scary.
Dishonorable mention worst items:
- OXO Good Grips® Apple Divider - Just use a knife, come on!
- Breville® Juice Fountain® Plus - You are going to use this like one time. Who do you think you are, Jack Lalanne?
- 30 Reusable Ice Cubes - These things are going to just clutter your house. Just use normal ice cubes like non-morons
Presto 07030 Griddle, Jumbo Cool Touch
Any good American loves breakfast and in order to make a decent breakfast you need an electric griddle. Bigger the the better when it comes to these things. You need some real estate to drop down some pancakes or maybe fry up some bacon on one side and eggs on the other. Here is a jumbo sized unit for only $17.99. This is a steal!
Analysis: Maybe all is not lost. This guy could really step up and be as good as Doug Fister over a long time frame and at a cheaper price tag. Especially after eating a decent, American fried breakfast.
Honorable mention best items:
- Pyrex® 1-Quart Measuring Cup - You use these things all the time. A steal at $6.79
- OXO Good Grips® Stainless Steel Ice Cream Scoop - A solid ice cream scoop will save your marrage. OXO makes some good shit too.
- Dailyware™ 10 1/2-Ounce Rocks Glasses - Simple glasses for a simple drink. Just pour some booze in and enjoy!
This SOYWGR shows a few flashes of upside and generally avoids the big mistakes (setting aside those stupid springform pans). The gift registry has spoken! He will have a solid if unremarkable career. The list don't lie!
Or maybe he just wandered two steps behind his fiance in the store and absent-mindedly scanned stuff she pointed at while he looked at his phone.
I hope not, that could bring the validity of this analysis into question.