Boy what a year it has been! I really like my new job but I sure wasn't prepared for all of the extra things that go with it. I dont mind getting advice from different people, but if I get one more e-mail from this one guy named Rogacki about JV's xFIP or Rajai's BABIP I think I'm gonna throw up! It's hard enough trying to figure out which bullpen pitcher is going to implode next without having to worry about who has the better LIPS numbers. Whatever happened to judging a guy on ERA anyway? THAT I can understand!
I know I'm an Ivy Leaguer, but that was a long time ago. Do you know how many foul balls i've taken off the mask since college? And it's my first year so I'm bound to get better next year, right? Anyway, sorry to vent like that. Let's get down to business. Thanks to Mr. Ilitch and Mr. Dombrowski I don't have too much on the list this year. How about a dependable back end of the bullpen and a couple clutch pinch hits from the bench? Also if you could toss in a decent cheat sheet with advanced sabermetric definitions we'll call it good.
I sure like the present I got last year. Third base is just what I always wanted! It's really cool to be a Major Leaguer because all the pretty girls Rick doesn't want eventually find out I'm on the team too. I have never had so many dates in my life! All I want for Christmas this year is a great big new glove that has magic powers like the one you gave that Beltre guy a few years ago.
P.S. I am leaving a few extra cookies by the milk this year. (Are you this nice to all of us guys that have the same name as you?)
Dear Mr. Claus,
I know I said I would never ask for anything ever again after you gave me Miguel and Justin on career contracts each of the last two years, but I still havent been able to cash them in for that shinny trophy that I have been promising Mr. Ilitch for the past few years. So anyway, could you maybe send an abominable snowman over to that prick Boras' house and explain to him that if he doesn't get reasonable about a contract for Max he'll find his flabby ass buried under a mountain of snow in the middle of the U.P.! If you could arrange it for me then that would be just super.
Thanks again for all your help over the years, I look forward to hooking up in Lakeland in February for a beer.
What could you possibly do to top what you have already given me? The Cy Young and MVP were awesome. The $180 million contract is fantastic. And the supermodel hottie is almost too much! But there is one thing you gave me quite a while back, but I seemed to have lost it and I would really like a new one. So if you could just drop a new 100 mph heater down the chimney then I think I will be set.
Thanks buddy. I really owe you one,
I can't believe it's Christmas time again, but the calendar doesnt lie. I got your list in the mail, and I see that all the Detroit kids are asking for a ring. You know I have been very generous over the years by granting countless wishes for Division Championships and an A.L. pennant. I enjoy helping you out with your work, but you can't keep coming to me every year, heck I have my own kids to shop for now. I'll tell you what, you give me Yoenis Cespedes, and throw in a couple XBox games and a few Ever After High dolls for my kids and I will make sure all the little boys and girls in Detroit get their ring. Fair enough?
Feliz Navidad, and as always, it's a pleasure doing business with you,
WTF? You said I was gonna LOVE retirement, but I'm going crazy with nothing to do around here. You let Dave give my job to that other dumbass catcher and now he's eff'ed everything up over at Comerica! Did you see he got swept by the freakin' Orioles, and in the Divisional Series no less? When I was in charge, we would beat the piss out of the likes of the Yanks and A's in the division series and not even break a sweat. Whatever. Dave says I cant get my old job back so I guess I just want the usual. A Great Big Bertha and a new mustache trimmer.
Merry eff'ing Christmas,