Sh*t my team's fans say

When the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm convinced that it will be sports fans who will be the first to get their brains turned into dinner. I don't pretend to understand it, or explain the reasons behind it, I can only point it out: your typical sports fan who spends his year watching baseball, football, hockey, basketball, golf, and whatever other "sportsy" thing happens to be going on, seems to be woefully under-stocked in the area of common sense.

I had the pleasure of taking a short mini-vacation in Detroit, staying at the Motor City Casino hotel, where apparently they're happy to give you Fox Sports Detroit on the television in the rooms, but not Fox Sports Detroit Plus. Thus it was that I had to head on down to one of the casino bars in order to watch the Tigers play the Padres, which means that I also had the distinct pleasure of watching the game with a few other sports fans.

Here are the top five stupidest comments I heard as I sat nursing my beer, trying to chase inside straights on the video poker machine, and doing my best to enjoy watching the Tigers get beat by the Padres.

1. "The Tigers gotta get those bats going."

What I wanted to say: Please just go be a Cubs fan.

What I should have said: The Tigers may not be an offensive power-house this year, but they did homer in their first seven straight games, and they're either at or above the MLB average in OPS, batting average, RBI's per game, and runs-per-game.

What I actually said: Yeah. Maybe they can finally sign a proven hitter at the trade deadline. Aw, look at that, I missed my flush again!

2. "It's the same old story - Detroit teams only sign players who are past their prime." (Said with regard to Joe Nathan)

What I wanted to say: That's because Detroit teams actively hate to win, so why are you watching any of them?

What I should have said: I have no idea about the Pistons, Lions, or Red Wings, and I don't care, but have you heard of Jose Iglesias or Nick Castellanos?

What I actually said: Can you watch my stuff while I go use the restroom?

3. "They should have kept Peralta. I don't know why they let him go."

What I wanted to say: Did you watch even a single game last year?

What I should have said: Peralta left the team in a lurch when he got suspended for 50 games. The Tigers made an incredibly smart move in getting a gold-glove-level rookie short stop who is inexpensive and who will be with the team for years to come.

What I actually said: Who's Peralta?

4. "This team has the same problem as last year, this offense can't score when they need to."

What I wanted to say: No, seriously, did you watch even a single game last year?

What I should have said: In the first ten games of the season, this year's team has averaged four runs scored per game, and they have scored at or above that average in half of those games. Last year's team did the exact same thing, except they averaged 5.1 runs scored per game, and had a worse record after ten games than this year's team. But obviously, what you meant is "this offense can't score when I want them to, which is every game, any time they're behind, because I expect them to have a 162-0 record."

What I actually said: Excuse me, bartender, can I get something a bit stronger?

5. "Miggy's going to have a really hard time hitting .325 this year with the way he's started."

What I wanted to say: Let's talk about basic math.

What I should have said: In 2012, Cabrera had a stretch in April where he went 3-for-25 with zero home runs and only one RBI. A month later, he had a stretch where he went 6-for-34, again with no home runs, and only two RBI's. He went on to win the Triple Crown.

What I actually said: I know, right? It's gotta be the new contract, I'm sure he's not even trying.

And people wonder why I drink to excess during the baseball season.