Notes from around MLB, April 2

Are we done opening Opening Day yet? Have all the teams finally played their first games now? Ok, let's do a quick recap from yesterday, then.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Closer Brian Wilson has been sent to the disabled list for a pulled inflammatory tearing strain of something or other. All I know is, along with the Mets' Parnell, that's two closers who had rotten first outings and - oh, look, like magic - it's "Owwwwwwww, I'm so injured!"

San Diego Padres

Former A's outfielder Seth Smith homered again, for the second time in as many games, which is the real reason why the A's didn't play yesterday.

Texas Rangers

They beat Philadelphia in comeback style when Beltre tied the game with an RBI in the seventh inning, then won the game with an RBI in the ninth. A small royalty check was immediately sent to Alex Gonzalez.

New York Yankees

They lost their opener to the freaking Astros. Thanks, Yankees, this is why Derek Jeter is quitting baseball, you jerk-faced jerks.

Oakland Athletics

Game postponed due to "rain," a.k.a., "we're not playing again until we figure out how to get Seth Smith back."

Houston Astros

The offense shelled CC Sabathia for six runs in six innings, including a two-run blast by Jesus Guzman and a solo shot by L.J. Hoes. There is a joke there, but I'd rather not go to hell when I die.

Miami Marlins

They're now off to a 2-0 start as they beat the Rockies for the second game in a row. After this series, they'll try their luck at playing an actual major league team.

Detroit Tigers

The Tigers had the day off. Which means they didn't play. Which means they didn't win. Which means FIAR AZZMUTHS!