clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

A Letter to the Minnesota Twins

Dear Twins, please lose.

Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Twins,

I am writing to humbly request that you lie down and die. You see, at the end of the baseball season, a handful of the best teams are chosen to participate in a tournament. The winner of the tournament is awarded many accolades, fame, and fortune. They are declared to be the Champion, and will forever be known as the greatest baseball team of this specific season. They call this tournament "the playoffs," and it's a very special occasion indeed.

Obviously, you are not in a position to be selected for the tournament. You are terrible. You are the Twins. However, the Tigers are on the cusp of qualification. They have already been guaranteed the opportunity to play in an admittedly odd pre-tournament to the real tournament — it's all very complicated, you needn't concern yourself with the details — but they have not yet secured a spot in the vaunted playoffs.

You don't want to stand in the way of these deserving men's fame and fortune do you? You surely wouldn't revel in denying them the opportunity to be remembered by generations as the men who won this annual tournament, would you? You are the Twins. You are from Minnesota, which is also Canada. So, by the transitive property, you are far too polite and kind to take joy in the failure of others. That is why I am asking you to fail, while simultaneously succeed in bringing joy to countless Tigers fans around the world.

It should not be difficult. Failure is in your nature, for you are the Twins. All I ask — nay, all I beg — is that you simply give in to your losing nature, and lose. I would never suggest that you "throw" a game, but, you know, just don't win.

I'm sure I don't need to remind you of the many favors the Tigers have done for you, but I'm going to anyway. They put up with your pathetic excuse for a stadium for years and years. I'm sure you've forgotten by now, but the last time you were in a position to make the tournament, the Tigers kindly got out of your way by losing as many games as possible without feeling like the Twins themselves. You, of course, responded by getting swept in the first round of the tournament. Because you are the Twins.

The year before that, the Tigers thought that the coast was clear, but when they saw you storming up from behind at the last minute they kindly pulled over and allowed you to pass. They sacrificed their own spot in the tournament for you, Twins. You, of course, responded by getting swept in the first round of the tournament. Because you are the Twins.

A few years before that, there was room for both of you in the tournament. The Tigers, benevolent as they are, allowed you to beat them by a single game so that you could face a preferable opponent in the tournament. You, of course, responded by getting swept. Because you are the Twins.

Long ago, when the tournament only had two rounds, you met the Tigers in the opening series. They were the far superior team, but out of the kindest of their hearts they allowed you to advance, winning only one game so as not to be embarrassed. You defied your nature and became the champion that year, Twins, for the first time since you were born. And it was because the Tigers gave you the opportunity.

So now it's your turn to give the Tigers an opportunity. Lose, Twins. Just lose. You must. You owe them.

Fielder's Choice

P.S. I like Joe Mauer's hair.