The postseason officially kicks off tonight with the American League one-game, sudden-death, easy-money-maker, artificially-flavored wild card game. As we plunge into a world of ALDS, NLDS, ALCS, NLCS, and other acronyms, do you know which teams you should be rooting for this October? Of course you don't, or else you wouldn't be reading this post. Luckily for you, I do know what teams you should be rooting for in the playoffs, and I'm in a mood to share that insider information with you.
Kansas City Royals
Why: They haven't won a World Series in 29 years. No, listen, I know, I know the Tigers haven't won in 30 years, but I'm saying the Royals haven't even so much as asked the postseason out on a date in 29 years. Ask a Royals fan to show you his calendar, you'll see that it skips right from September to November.
Why not: Because they're the [bleep]ing Royals and they play in our [bleep]ing Central [bleep]ing Division, so they should be [bleep]ing hated just as much as the [bleep]ing Indians and their [bleep]ing drum-banger guy, [bleep]ing Hawk and the [bleep]ing White Sox, and the [bleep]ing extra-super-[bleep]ing stupid [bleep]ing Twins.
Why: Moneyball. Yes, still Moneyball. Billy Beane works his genius butt off every year, turning a craptastic payroll into a postseason team, and after a decade and more, he still has yet to be vindicated with a World Series trophy. Remember, a win for Oakland means a win for on-base percentage and all the rest of Billy Beane's "sh*t" that stats geeks believe in.
Why not: Because enough is enough already. Win the [bleep]ing World Series or get the [bleep] off the stage.
San Francisco Giants
Why: I don't know, because a Tigers/Giants grudge match in the World Series would be kinda cool? It would be hilarious to see all the new Hunter Pence sign ideas? I got nothing.
Why not: Because 2012, that's why [bleep]ing not. Seriously, [bleep] the Giants.
Why: It's like the best blend of the A's and Royals. The Pirates have a payroll that's virtually the same as Oakland's, they haven't won a World Series since "My Sharona" was a hit song (which was well before the Royals last won it), and they've got that gut-wrenching string of three NLCS losses in a row from 1990-1992. Plus, Jim Leyland was their skipper in those days.
Why not: Hm. *coughs* I guess ... get back to me on this one.
Why: The 2014 team lives and dies by the home run, which is exactly how Earl Weaver would have wanted it, and if you're not rooting for Earl Weaver and his spectacular brand of anti-bunt baseball strategy, maybe you should just give me back my Simpsons DVDs and don't call me for a few months. (We'll awkwardly run into each other in a few months at a salad bar and more-or-less straighten things out, though.)
Why not: Mostly because they're standing directly, immediately, and blatantly in the way of the Tigers advancing beyond the ALDS. Pretty [bleep]ing clown move, bro.
The "Los" Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, Home of the Great L.A. and the Angels Who Play There
Why: ... what, are you kidding?
Why not: Because [bleep]ing Jered Weaver, [bleep]ing C.J. Wilson and his [bleep]ing Head-n-Shoulders sexy hair, what they [bleep]ing did to Rick Porcello's ERA with their [bleep]ing death-by-papercuts last year, Mike [bleep]ing Trout and his continual [bleep]ing detraction from Miggy's greatness, and did I mention [bleep]ing Jered Weaver? Never, ever root for the Angels.
St. Louis Cardinals
Why: [critical error loading content, please contact your system administrator; system will reboot in 90 seconds]
Why: I don't know, you like Bryce Harper or whatever?
Why not: Because Doug [bleep]ing Fister pitches for them now, and there is no scenario where Fister and the [bleep]ing Nationals win that does not also include a fresh [bleep]ing slew of angry tweets, comments, and articles about how much we [bleep]ing hated the Fister trade.
You know what? It's over. Done deal. We get it, you [bleep]ing hated the trade before it was even cool to hate the trade, and you were absolutely [bleep]ing vindicated in the end, now please [bleep] off and go back to planning your next [bleep]ing podcast so the rest of us can finally conclude the healing process.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Why: Vin Scully. You really don't need another reason after that, but I'll give you one anyway: Clayton Kershaw. The kid is going to run away with his second consecutive Cy Young Award, while in the American League, some schmutz is going to get handed the brand new Clayton Kershaw Award. He's Gibson, he's Koufax, he's an all-American Hero, and he should make as deep a run in the postseason as is humanly possible.
Why not: Actually, I can't really think of a reason, other than the fact that they won a World Series in 1988, and that's more recent than some other teams (Tigers, Royals, Pirates, Orioles), so that's a pretty weak counter-point.
So now how do you feel? Which non-Tigers team are you hoping to see make it to the final round? Vote in the poll below!