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10 ways the Tigers can fix Victor Martinez

Victor Martinez is on the disabled list with a body that has been abused, battered, and generally wrecked. But have we really exhausted all options for getting him back to health? I THINK NOT!

Victor Martinez is very good at hitting baseballs. So good, in fact, the Tigers pay him much money to perform this valuable service. Unfortunately, Mr. Martinez is unable to hit baseballs right now because his body is, well, pretty ouchy.

If only there were some way to restore him to full power.  Sure, Tigers athletic trainers Kevin Rand and Doug Teter are trying things like "rest" and "modern medicine," but shouldn't they be doing more?

Here are 10 other things the Tigers should really be using to get Victor back to pounding dingers as soon as possible.

10. Medkit - Half-life

Nothing gets Gordon back to swinging his crowbar like a nice Medkit. This will certainly work for swinging a bat too, right?

9. Potion - The Legend of Zelda

These potions come in all different colors, each with a special property. Surely the Tigers have scouts scouring the landscape for the color that means "knee restoration"

8. Rapunzel's Hair - Tangled

Rapunzel's hair is what makes her special. It has ability to heal the sick and wounded and return the dead to life. Sure, Rapunzel hair has to be hard to find, but couldn't we at least try a lock of Magglio's? Close enough.

7. Pizza - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, NES

You'd think for a mega-millionaire owner with a pizza empire developing a magical healing pizza wouldn't be that hard. Although, the scientists at Little Caesar's could already have it, but need to use it all on Mr. Ilitch.

I'm not going to even talk about the game-play for TMNT. I won't be able to sleep due to flashbacks of seaweed electrocution. (I never did get those underwater bombs defused)

6. Windex- My Big Fat Greek Wedding

This film made a huge splash in 2002 when it was released and yet no one admits to watching it. Anyway, the dad in the film, Gus, heals all sorts of ailments by spraying Windex on them. There has to be an Orthodox priest in the greater Detroit area who could administer such a treatment to Victor.

5. Grail Water - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Just make sure it's the real grail, okay? We don't need Vic going on the 60-day DL with accelerated decomposition.

false grail

4. Act of True Love - Frozen

Does Victor have any brothers? If an act of true love can rescue a princess from a Frozen Heart surely it could help a major leaguer bat left-handed again.

3. Miracle Pill - Princess Bride

Sure, it takes 15 minutes to take full effect, but at least the chocolate coating Miracle Max slathered on makes it go down easier. I really think it would work. It just so happens that our friend Victor is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive.


2. Lucy's Cordial - The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe

"In this bottle, there is a cordial made of the juice of the fire-flowers that grow in the mountains of the sun. If you or any of your friends are hurt, a few drops will restore them." ― Father Christmas

Damn, sounds almost as powerful as a Phiten necklace!

1. Glacier Water - The Waterboy

Let's be honest, while we care about Victor as a person and hope he has many long years of good health, what we really want is him to do is DESTROY BASEBALLS RIGHT NOW. Nobody brings the pain in sports quite like Bobby Boucher.