MLB's Winter Meetings are in the rearview mirror, the Fall Classic and Rajai's epic blast are fading more and more into the past, and the chill of the holiday season is in the air. Strangely, there has not been one peep of any kind of roster shake-ups coming from the baseball offices at Comerica Park. However. that doesn't mean that no one has been busy at this time of the year. December is Santa's time, and his mailbag is bursting at the seams. Here at Bless You Boys we have a great relationship with the jolly guy in the red suit, so he was gracious enough to share some of the letters he received from Detroit. Let's have a look, shall we?
★ ★ ★
You know I've really been missing the action out there, and since that dumbass in the front office seems to be in love with Brad's good looks it doesn't look like I'll be back in the dugout for the Tigers any time soon. But coaching these prima donnas for some stupid effing tourney called the WBC! More like the WTF if you ask me. I've spent the last month on the phone begging a bunch of multi-millionaire crybabies to take a couple weeks off from SPRING TRAINING to play for their country and all I get is, "who's Jim Leyland". Well I'm sick of it! I was coaching better talent then these a-holes before these guys were out of diapers! Sorry, I got a little off track there. Anyway, if you could leave Kershaw, Verlander, Trout, Donaldson and the usual couple cartons of heaters under the tree this year I should be ok,
Thanks big guy,
★ ★ ★
Boy, last year's gift of that big bat worked out super! So this year, I was thinking about a monster big glove. Third base is really, really hard and the balls come at you super fast, so I was thinking a three-foot glove would really help out getting to some of those balls to my left that I keep just missing. Maybe if I can get to some of those Jose won't keep swearing at me in Spanish. Oh, one more thing in the same vein -- can I get a mega-padded batting glove too?
Thanks Santa, you're the best.
★ ★ ★
It's me, Michael. When I told you last year I wanted to be just like JV I thought I was asking too much, but you really came through for me! Now I'm kinda famous, and I even won a cool award called a ROY. I'm not sure who Roy is but the trophy is really awesome and some people think it's a big deal. The thing is, I don't have a smoking hot supermodel girlfriend yet so i'm not quite just like JV. See where I'm going with this?
★ ★ ★
You know I'm a bit of a minimalist so it's kind of difficult to know what I want, so this year i'll spell it out. I would like some charcoal and a new drawing notebook, a sharp ax to shave with, and oooh some hubcaps for a 1978 VW Campmobile. I don't really have a house right now, so if you could just drop that off in the parking lot behind the Kroeger that would be perfect.
Thank you sir,
★ ★ ★
When you said I could have a shiny new GM job I was so excited. I had been asking you for it forever, and when I finally got it I thought it was the best gift ever. However, this job sucks! Everyone hates me, including my wife since I had to kick Alex out of the nest and send him to Chicago for a year. I get so much hate mail now that there isn't enough room for a desk in my office any more! Mr I is telling me to dump salary one minute, and ordering me to buy the most expensive free agent on the market the next, so it looks to the whole damn world that I don't know what the hell I'm doing!
Anyway, I gotta go, Brad's calling again to see if I got his Clinique anti-aging cream yet, so if you could see your way clear to sending me an all-star caliber centerfielder that will play for 200 bucks a week that would be a good start to making the spring bearable. Thanks Mr Claus, I appreciate your help.
★ ★ ★
Feliz Navidad! What can I say, it's been another great year to be Miggy. I stayed healthy all year, my bank account is swelling and the kids are growing like weeds. I really don't need anything, but if you could send me amigo Victor a new set of knees he would be eternally grateful and I might get that second ring! It's a two-fer!
★ ★ ★
It's the Dubester here, thanks for putting in the good word for me so I could get back to work. I really enjoyed teaching those young kids and they seemed to take directions from me really well, so I don't need much. Maybe a decent arm in the pen that won't fold like a cheap suit in September, and maybe some help to take out the trash.
★ ★ ★
Dear Santa Claus,
I just don't get it. I love playing for the Tigers. Miguel and Victor have taught me so much and I am just so happy to be here, but all I ever read about is how the team can't wait to get rid of me. Hell, I run through walls for these guys (in hindsight, not a great idea btw). So if you could see your way clear to whispering in Mr Ilitch's ear like you did for Victor and getting me a good four-year deal for market value then I would be just so darn happy. I love going to the Wings and Pistons games with the guys and would hate to miss out on that in the future.
You are the best, Santa and I will make sure to leave the mega stuff Oreo's right beside the milk like always.
★ ★ ★
Well, there you have it, BYB fans. I hear Santa may have left some more letters with you so feel free to share them in the comments section. Merry Christmas/Kwanza/Hanukkah to all of my BYB brothers and sisters, 2017 is going to be our year!