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Mariners 7, Tigers 5: Nothing is perfect

What started as gem of an outing for Justin Verlander turned sour with a bunt.

Detroit Tigers v Seattle Mariners Photo by Stephen Brashear/Getty Images

West coast road trips are tough on even the most seasoned fans. The nights get late, and viewers pray for speedy innings and no late-game ties. With a rough loss last night, some are likely having trouble staying awake. With that in mind, instead of a traditional recap, here are all the thoughts I had while watching tonight’s Tigers game:

“Wow, this is some vintage JV tonight. How long has it been since Verlander was this good?”

“McCann home run?” checks stats “McCann hasn’t hit a home run since May 9. Atta boy James.”

“Zunino is fun to say. Zunino. Zooooonino.”

“Oh right, Paxton is Canadian. That big old maple leaf tattoo should have made it obvious.”

“Gibby needs to chill about these grasshoppers. Stop trying to make the grasshopper thing happen.”

pondering “I wonder what grasshoppers taste like, though.”

“Trevor Thompson is just reading a menu now. Is this seriously happening? Wait, that bacon and egg burger sounds good.”

“Gibby’s jacket is pretty cool.”

“The XBox app has shown a clip of Justin Verlander’s no-hitter three times now. And I’m not blind, I see the box score. What are you getting at,”

“Has Ben Gamel considered, like... not having that hair? AH, OH GOD THE MUSTACHE.”

“Seven strikeouts for Verlander in four innings? I like this game. STOP SHOWING THE BOX SCORE.”

“Where is Nelson Cruz?”

“I like that Gibby just knows how different types of wood bats break. ‘Oh that’s maple, ash splinters.’”

Jose Iglesias has been showing some serious hustle in his base running lately. Please don’t hurt yourself, Iggy. I remember the shin issues.”

“You know, I’ll say this, all these 1-2-3 innings are making this go quicker than I anticipated.”

“Oh, there’s Nelson Cruz.”

“**** JV looks great tonight. Filthy stuff.”

“Who decided it was a good idea to cast Dane Cook in American Gods? That was a weird choice.”

“Verlander’s command is unreal. Nine strikeouts. Fifteen retired.”

“Woo, six hits for the Tigers, way to go Miggy! Seven hits! OMG overthrow, Miggy advances to third! Baseball is great again!!!”

“Zunino to the mound. Zuuunino. Zunino.”


“I mean, sure, that kind of looked like a pick-off move, Paxton.”

“Mahtook for MVP! Is that just me? Maybe.”

“Byeeeee Paxton.”

“Why can’t the Tigers play like this all the time?”

“Zych. Zych is a weird name. Zych and Zunino would be a fun buddy cop show.”

“It’s totally normal to scream ‘Yesssss’ at your TV for a strikeout, right?”

“DYSON BUNTED ON? There is no God.”

silent weeping

silently blames everyone who talked about it on Twitter


“I need wine.”

“Oh, I guess yes walk for you, Zunino.”

“Are you ****ing kidding me? No one caught that and now the bases are loaded? Have we just decided to give up?”

Me right now:

Ashley MacLennan and MS Paint online

“Gamel is my new least favorite.”

“If Cano gets a grand slam I’m going to bed.”

“Remember when this was a perfect game? Oh, that was earlier this inning?”

“I take back everything I said about how fast this game was going.”


“Nelson Cruz, my old nemesis, you’ve done it again.”

“‘Baseball is a funny, funny game,’ says Mario. I AM NOT LAUGHING MARIO.”

“Bless you, Shane Greene.”

“I dare you to show me that Verlander no-hitter clip again,”

“Um, excuse me, that was awfully close to beaning Ian Kinsler.”

“I wonder how many Starbucks there are in Seattle.” googles “Oh, 23 for every 100,000 people. So 1 for every 4000 people. That’s a lot of coffee.”

“Did you know the Dutch word for baseball is ‘honkbal’?”

“Oh, tie game?”

“If this game goes into extra innings, I’m going to bed.”

“Oh, Castellanos missed that catch? I’m shocked.”

“Guess I don’t need to worry about extra innings.” tries to think of good Cano puns “Can-oh-no? No, that’s terrible. I Cano how this game is going to end now...”

“How are we still in the seventh inning? It’s almost 1am Detroit time. This is cruel.”

“I spy Tiger Suit Guy.”

“The bonus of the Mariners being ahead is that this will all be over in the top of the ninth.”

falls asleep for 15 minutes

Alex Avila is playing? Did I sleep right through to a new game? Oh, no, the score is still terrible.”

“All right, Kinsler, I want to go to sleep.... or sure, hit a home run, that’s cool too.”

“They could actually tie this.”

“Lol, nope.”