Yankees 13, Tigers 3: Because someone had to watch this mess

So there I was, happily frolicking about south Toledo, catching Pokemon and putting too much effort into other trivial pursuits, when I glanced at the time and noticed it was already 7:25 p.m., and the Detroit Tigers were playing. I decided to turn on the radio. Looking back now, that was a regretful choice. Or perhaps it was signing up to recap the game on this night? Or maybe it was choosing to follow this baseball club from Detroit? We’ll never know.

What I do know was that when I turned on the game, Dan Dickerson and Jim Price were buzzing about a home run Gary Sanchez hit that escaped earth’s gravity and is on its way to the Romulan Neutral Zone, which pretty much set the tone for the night. Tigers starter Matthew Boyd lasted just 2 ¹⁄₃ innings and gave up seven runs on seven hits, three walks, and two strikeouts in his worst start since returning from Toledo.

But the pain didn’t stop there. The Yankees also racked up a pair of runs each against the woefully-repugnant Tigers’ relievers Warwick Saupold and Drew VerHagen. Detroit’s offense against Yankee starter Masahiro Tanaka consisted of an Ian Kinsler RBI double and a two run homer from Nicholas Castellanos. The Yankees also tacked on two against recent callup Jeff Farrell, but no one noticed cause we’d all turned off the TV by then.

I really hope you spent your evening doing something more enjoyable than watching this pathetic excuse for a game.

ROARS:

Nick Castellanos had pretty much the only highlight of the game. He hit an inside-the-park home run:

HISSES:

The entire team except Castellanos.

STREAKS AND INFO:

This is #FakeNews, cause it’s still going: