Imagine, if you will, that you find your way to a game at Comerica Park this year. With cautious optimism, you settle into the really great seats you got for super cheap because nobody’s going to games. After three innings of baseball you are forced to face the fact you are not watching the Tigers team you were used to. Gone is the stacked lineup and the deep starting rotation, and while this team is trying, it is obvious that they do not have at all what it takes to keep up.
This may be a tough revelation to deal with.
As you work through a variety of emotions, you happen to look around and see your fellow Tigers fans enjoying some new ballpark cuisine and you rightly come to the only logical conclusion a person in your position could come to: It’s time to eat your feelings.
Here’s a guide to some of the ways you may or may not want to do that.
The Nutella Egg Roll
At first glance the Nutella Egg Roll presents itself in a manner that brings rawhide chew toys covered in sand to mind. Not exactly the most appetizing thought, but apparently these little fellas are legit because they’ve been mentioned as a pleasant experience for most people who’ve had one.
The Ultimate Southern Burger
This offering features a burger with jalapeño pimento cheese, crispy fried green tomatoes, lettuce and country ground mustard served with crispy french fries. That sounds all well and good, but am I the only one who has trouble with the name here? Comerica Park being the home of the “Ultimate” Southern Burger is like calling Tampa Bay the home of ice hockey. I mean, yeah you’re good, but maybe pump the brakes on such bold exclamations, lest Atlanta give you the what for.
The Ode to Detroit Dog
The Ode to Detroit Dog is a hot dog with an identity crisis. Much like spit on a griddle, this guy is a little all over the place. We start with Brisket. Great. We then take a hard turn and throw habenero queso on top. Maybe this works. Hell, I’d probably give it a run. My only advice would be to make sure you are quite aware of your proximity to the closest rest room. Thoughts and prayers if there’s a line.
There is a modern movement afoot that involves replacing all sorts of good things with cauliflower and then pretending it’s great. While I admire the efforts of the National Cauliflower Lobby (my apologies if I’m inadvertently stealing something from A Prairie Home Companion here, because “National Cauliflower Lobby” feels like something right in their wheelhouse) let’s stop kidding ourselves. I’m sure this tastes fine, but there are some words that should follow the word Buffalo (see: Bills, Sabres, Soldier etc...) and Cauliflower is not one of them. This is a sad replacement for breaded chicken, and if you’re a vegetarian, well, you deserve this.
Donut Ice Cream Sandwich
As beautiful as a warm summer sunrise. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this offering. My only question is if you can order them by the dozen because this is the kind of thing I’m going to want to eat until I feel physically ill.
Power Green Salad and Caprese Salad
Yeah, okay. Salad. Salad at the ballpark is like Nick Castellanos on defense. Not an ideal choice. Whatever your other available options are, they’re better.
The Italian Grinder
A run of the mill sandwich with a name that reminds me of a nickname you’d give to a guy you don’t want to lose to in an underground poker game.
Some of the healthy and less healthy concessions options at Comerica Park for Detroit Tigers games this season. pic.twitter.com/kFhNaWfBWu— Bill Shea (@Bill_Shea19) March 23, 2018
The Wet Burrito
Not only is the name a little less than appetizing, I can’t imagine this being a great choice for a ballpark. Look at it. If I were eating this at a table with a knife and fork it would be a challenge to keep off my shirt. Sitting in a cramped chair at a ballgame, juggling a $32 beer, and trying to eat this with my bare hands would send me into ever-escalating levels of rage as each attempted bite dumped burrito guts all over my hands, clothing, and the clothing of those around me. This option would probably result in an usher having to sternly, but politely, ask me to leave the park.
Brisket and Cheddar Stuffed Cornbread Muffin
Sweet. Baby. Jesus. This is one of those things that sounds better with every consecutive word. Brisket: Yes, that sounds delicious, thank you. And Cheddar: Why not? Stuffed: This is an interesting development. Cornbread Muffin: How many of my fingers would you like me to amputate with this pocket knife before you’ll allow me the honor of ingesting this masterpiece? Is three sufficient?
Some things, as much as we might want it to happen, are just not meant to go together like water and oil, Tim Anderson and walks, or the Gallagher brothers to name a few. I would place nachos and hamburgers in the same category. They’re both fine on their own. I fear the combination of the two would equal a sum much less than it’s parts.
These are just some of the myriad of options you as a fan will have to choose from at Comerica Park this year. Choose wisely, friends, and remember: Just because the product on the field is likely mediocre, it doesn’t mean your food has to be too.