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Angels 11, Tigers 5: Jacob Turners back the clock to the infamous ‘Rick Porcello game’

The return of Jacob Turner has inspired me to write this recap as a detailed log of my evening, so that every detail of this triumphant moment may be preserved for all eternity.

Detroit Tigers v Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Photo by John McCoy/Getty Images

[10:00pm] Frantically searches living room for Firestick remote.

[10:05pm] Abandons search, pulls out phone and opens Fox Sports Go App

[10:07pm] Yay, Tigers baseball, but because of the bandwidth, I’m not sure.

[10:12 pm] Gibby just said “the Tigers need a shock and then they can Awes”. Someone mute his mic.

[10:13pm] Iggy hits a ball in the corner...I think?

[10:15pm] Candelario hits a ground rule double and due to stupid placement rule we only get one run.

[10:17pm] FSGO app freezes. “SAVE ME DAN AND JIM!!!” At Bat app audio authorization fails.

“Piss off world!!!”

[10:18pm] According to Gameday, we scored a couple runs before grounding into a double play. That’s a major accomplishment for this offense.

[10:23pm] JACOB TURNER IS BACK! WON THE TRADE! [Ed. note: this won’t age well]

[10:25 pm] Audio feed working now. Dan is talking about how there’s a reason the Tigers called up Jacob Turner. I’m checking the Triple-A stats and I don’t see it.

[10:27 pm] 2 batters in, Angels have two on. Can we call up Lewickie now?

[10:28pm] 3 batters in and the Tigers now are losing, cause Ohtani just blasted Turner.

[10:32pm] 5 batters in, still nobody out.

[10:33pm] 6 batters on in a row. Just hit a home run here cause that would be the cherry on this turd Sundae of a first inning.

[10:37pm] Turner walks in a run. Retracts “won the trade” statement. [Ed. note: told you.]

[10:37pm] another hit, 6 runs in, still no one out. Can they score 10 before they pull Turner being Porcello’d to death?

[10:38pm] A WILD OUT APPEARS!!!

[10:40pm] of course the double steal play works against us. Why wouldn’t it?

[10:42pm] It’s finally over. It’s a half hour into the game and its only 1/9th of the way done.

[10:55pm] Apparently the Angels feel sorry about what they did to Turner so they are trying to give back some sympathy runs

[10:57pm] Gerber politely refuses to take more than one run as he’s thrown out advancing to second. At least the Tigers are being polite guests.

[10:58pm] Pizza fantasies….rawr.

[11:00pm] Turner out, Alcantara in. Legitimate question, will Turner get another start for the Tigers this year?

[11:05pm] Tigers manage to hold the Angels off the board. Maybe we have a chance?

[11:12pm] LOL, nope, Tigers go quietly.

[11:14pm] Xfinity should be embarrassed by these commercials.

[11:23pm] I see Matt Hall went seven shutout innings tonight. But calling up Turner, yeah that was cool.

[11:30pm] Every Tigers fan has that player they can’t quit. For Dan and Jim, its James McCann. Sorry guys I don’t think he’s a .260 hitter with 20HR.

[11:40pm] Solid work from Buck Farmer! Man that kid could be something if he gets it together.

[11:45pm] A single for Nick. Good To see him doing that again.

[11:47pm] A big fly for Candyman. Good to see him doing THAT again.

[11:55pm] Tigers are only down two now, there’s a not crazy chance they might pull this out

[12:00am] Next day baseball, lets get weird.

[12:02am] Wow, I didn’t know Jim Johnson was still playing.

[12:05am] OMG Ronny Rodriguez drew a walk!!!

[12:07am] Of freaking course that happens. Great catch by Young.

[12:10am] VerHagen on. You know he’s been pretty decent as of late. ERA still ugly from earlier but his peripherals are really starting to round into shape. Dan and Jim see it too. Maybe I should write something on him…

[12:11am] What the hell was I thinking? What are Dan and Jim thinking? Drew is bad and will always be bad.

[12:21am] Another run. Tigers have their biggest offensive outburst in nearly a full week and they have no chance of winning this game. Figures.

[12:25am] Jose Alverez, another former Tiger that will kick out butts.

[12:30am] Yup

[12:33am] Daniel Stumpf, because VerHagen wasn’t quite awful enough?

[12:42am] Oh look he’s in a jam, oh look he didn’t get out of it.

[12:46am] Another pitching change? Why Gardy? Why? I wanna go to bed!

[12:48am] Oh Alex Wilson, because this game wasn’t dragging on slow enough.

[12:55am] Well Turner’s return was a bust but the Angels are giving their rookie, Jerez, his major league debut against us here now. Smart move. Get this kid confidense.

[12:57am] Victor crushes it but not far enough. Double. You think Reyes just heads out on the field automatically when Victor gets a hit now?

[1:00am] Goodrum is out, Tigers are out, I’m almost out. 6 more outs, come on boys make it snappy.

[1:04am] Why would you go to a three ball count on somone Alex? Just throw it over the plate.

[1:06am] Wilson walks a guy and now is being looked over by the trainer because the baseball gods hate us.

[1:10am] Three more outs, just but it back to the pitcher.

[1:18am] Its over. Goodnight.