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Detroit Tiger New Year’s Resolutions

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Even the pros need to turn over a new leaf every now and again.

New Year’s Eve Confetti Test - Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration Photo by Alexi Rosenfeld/Getty Images

Do you have some things you need to change in your life come January 1st? We should all eat better, work out more, spend more time offline with friends and loved ones, and read more books, presumably. But what about our fair baseball club’s players? What sorts of resolutions should the Detroit Tigers themselves make, if any? Let’s take a peek at the roster and maybe suggest a thing or two for a few of these fellows.

Pitchers

Michael Fulmer

We all enjoyed “Angry Mike” out of the bullpen in ‘21, and he racked up 14 saves in total.

Suggested resolution: Grow a Rollie Fingers-style handlebar moustache and fully embrace the reliever lifestyle.

Casey Mize

A real gamer, he hated coming out of games early despite being on an innings limit for part of the season.

Suggested resolution: Whenever AJ Hinch goes to the mound to take him out, Mize should take off running in the other direction so Hinch can’t get the ball from him. A little extra cardio never hurt anyone.

Kyle Funkhouser

The Funky One was a real Swiss Army Knife out of the bullpen, coming into the game in anywhere from the third to the ninth inning.

Suggested resolution: Invent “The Funky Knife,” a 36-function multi-tool which matches his uniform number. Don’t forget that toothpick!

Gregory Soto

Always a fashionable sort (aside from being a nice weapon in the late innings), his fire-red dreadlocks went away last year in favor of a more conventional color.

Suggested resolution: Get crazy with the hair color again. If he’s into French food, he should get some bleu, blanc, rouge action going. Also, fewer walks please.

Spencer Turnbull

Suggested resolution: You just get healthy, Big Red.

Tyler Alexander

For his three seasons with the Tigers (2019-21), his WHIP has been improving every year. Like a fine wine, he seems to be getting better with age.

Suggested resolution: How about starting up a wine collection? Build a cellar, get some bottles, and... heck, I don’t know much about wine, I’m a beer guy. We’d also suggest growing the moustache back if the 2022 season doesn’t start well. We miss Todd the Painter already.

Bryan Garcia

Garcia was having himself a decent 2021 until a late-June swoon sent him into a tailspin. It was just after the Summer Solstice, come to think of it.

Suggested resolution: On the morning of the next Summer Solstice, he should sacrifice a live chicken to appease the baseball gods. Ask for a sharper breaking ball while you’re at it, Bryan.

Catchers

Tucker Barnhart and Eric Haase

Both catchers, both bearded, both a touch under six feet tall. Can you tell these guys apart? I can’t.

Suggested resolution: They should play a quick round of rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets to keep their beard. Alternately, one of them could distinguish themselves by shaving the Olde English D into each cheek.

Infielders

Javier Báez

The newest Tiger has some exciting baseball smarts and talents, for sure. But he could use a little more patience and discipline at the plate.

Suggested resolution: Meditation is very hot these days for relaxing and focusing. Let’s all chip-in and get El Mago one of those meditation apps. A quiet, focused mind is a disciplined mind.

Miguel Cabrera

Well it was a fun year of milestones, but father time isn’t going to get any friendlier to our hero.

Suggested resolution: Get less old, lol. Ok, that’s unlikely, so instead we’ll note that Miguel struggled with the weight of the quest for 500 home runs. Entering 2022, maybe he should just convince himself he already has 3000 hits. I mean what? Playoff hits don’t count? They’re the most important ones!

Jeimer Candelario

I once saw Jeimer start a 5-4-3 triple play in a game in Toronto, on a ground ball hit by Kevin Pillar. Triple plays are really cool.

Suggested resolution: Turn more triple plays this year.

Jonathan Schoop

I never realized how much first base that Schoop played last year: he started 103 games there in 2021, and only 38 at second base.

Suggested resolution: Play more second base. First base isn’t that hard. Tell ‘em, Wash. Anyway, we want Spencer Torkelson, to put it bluntly, so move over Jonathan, please and thank you.

Outfielders

Akil Baddoo

“Mr. Excitement” had a heck of a rookie year, but his helmet kept flying off as he ran the bases. Safety first, Mr. Baddoo!

Suggested resolution: Put a chin-strap on that helmet. I know it looks dorky and you haven’t worn a chin strap since Little League, but your mom probably wants your helmet to stay on, and I do too. Also, remember to eat your lima beans, they’re good for you.

Editor’s Note: Everyone thinks they want this, but a man has to have a trademark, right?

Robbie Grossman

Last year Grossman became the seventh Tiger in history to post a 20-homer, 20-steal season. That 20/20 club is pretty exclusive.

Suggested resolution: Keeping on top of the news is important. What better program to watch for a 20/20 man than the ABC News show 20/20? Is Hugh Downs still on there?

Derek Hill

We love ya, man, but you gotta stop injuring yourself running full-speed into outfield walls.

Suggested resolution: Stop running full-speed into outfield walls. Don’t run full speed into any teammates either. This goes for Akil too.